It starts with a simple headache while I am sleeping, progressing more intensely until I wake up. Now it is once again an extreme migraine with nausea, blurred vision, even blacking out. I take a pill for the nausea and quickly grab other pills with a can of Coke (only because this is what the emergency room will do and charge me $250.00) and try to gain control of my head pain. The Vertigo kicks in (again) and all I do is start spinning as if someone had spun me around in circles like when we were kids. I'm starting to think the dizziness you get from drinking when you are buzzed feels so much better than this!
Those who have pain can relate in why you start to become desperate in any way to find relief. Some drink the pain away, some get hooked on drugs and make the pain go away, some just try and live with it, while others don't live with it at all and just give up. It's not just a depressive thought in my head it's a "when does it ever end" thought. If you don't live with chronic pain and migraines everyday like some of us do it is very hard to understand. All you can think of is to tell that person "just be positive, it'll pass", "oh, I'm sorry", "hope you feel better", or better yet simply telling that person (in your own suttle words) "it's just in your head you're trying to get attention."
I could only wish that all could understand what I feel like in this state. It doesn't go away, it's real and consumes your EVERYTHING as a person!! The pain is so real it causes a lot more problems than you could ever imagine. I not only feel the sharp pain, dull pain, throbbing pain, feelings of my head in a vice, etc., but you also get VERY depressed (wanting to never leave my bed). I'm irritable at anyone and everyone around, nauseas and vomiting, uncontrollable crying when I least expect to have tears falling. Instead of praying for help and anything good, I start praying just to never wake up tomorrow.
Now you might think "well that sure is selfish of you to even think of that" but have you ever hurt so bad? Have you ever wondered why this is happening to you? Have you ever wondered if it ever ends? Have you ever stopped to wonder what that person is really going through, or how they feel?
It's extremely hard to be a happy, positive, thankful person and the mom or wife I should be when I hurt so bad that my whole world inside my thoughts are nothing but black! When I hurt so bad I don't stop to think of the kids and how I affect them, until I'm lying in bed crying because my pain is hurting them too from yelling and saying mean things to them. I don't stop to think they are just kids and they don't understand. My thoughts are all on the pain I am trying to endure.
Some days I think I'll just put on a smile and no one will know I am hurting or not allow someone to notice my pain, while inside, my head is throbbing so bad I can barely even concentrate or think clearly. The world around me still goes on, not that I am wanting it to stop for me, but instead wondering "WHY, why am I in constant pain, miserable and wanting to die while they have nothing to deal with?" Now these are my feelings and I know that everyone has something they deal with, but when you hurt so bad you don't stop to think about that. Nothing can even lighten the pain I feel everyday.
I spend my families food money just to pay another co-payment to see another Dr. and all they do is give another drug with yet another side effect to deal with. I can only wish that I was that other person who is happy and walks around as if they have nothing to deal with. I hate that others who don't know what chronic pain and migraines feel like can just say all the positive things as if it'll make it all better.
Why couldn't I be that person to have positive feelings and outlook on things? Why can't I be that person with the faith to get me through this? Instead here I sit crying, wondering why God would just allow all this pain and no answers to why I hurt so it can be dealt with if not fixed. This isn't a free agency issue, so why can't he take control? Is it because I don't pray and read scriptures with my family everyday? Is it because I don't go to church all the time like I should? Is it because I have made mistakes and this is punishment for not choosing the right? Is it because I'm not that sweet, perfect, loving mom/wife and I'm always angry and yelling? Does he even care and listen when I'm crying and begging day in and day out for some relief? I don't think he does! I feel like I am lost and I will never find my way back out of this black painful hole I have fell into. I will live here in misery forever!
How can I even think such things? What happen to the days like others when I was happy and pain free? Is that the option I'll never have again? Just like all the Utah signs say for depression (this can also apply to someone in so much pain with depression) "You wouldn't tell someone who has cancer to snap out of it would you?" or "You wouldn't tell someone with diabetes to get over it would you?" Then why is it so many others around me can quickly react or shake their heads or give snide remarks? Why is it when I'm not able to go to work than I'm accused of faking and just wanting an extra day off? Do you ever stop and think that if it was you in this much pain how you would react to the way others treated you? Maybe for once we should all stop and think of others before judging or making them feel worse than they do. If only I could explain exactly what and how I feel inside and how bad it hurts to never find relief or support.
As the day ends I've now consumed over 8 pills trying to find relief only to be in a more confused state of mind and still in pain. It's now 10pm, I lay on my pillow (mind you it is a $40 pillow especially made for comfort) and it feels like a brick. I try to move around and adjust, instead only finding a slightly soft spot to lay down. I listen as my family peacefully sleeps, some snoring, some talking and walking in their sleep. It is now midnight and I am still hurting only to start crying and praying again for it to stop even for a minute so I can sleep before I get up for work at 3:30am. I finally fall asleep at about 2:10am and the next thing I know it is time for work and I am now laying on the bathroom floor from passing out. My head hurts so bad!! It's just another day in the life of pain and no solution to this mess I live in. Where's the pills . . . . one for nausea, 2 for head pain, and 1 for Vertigo just to start the day! When is enough, ENOUGH??
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3 comments:
Kelly, I read this and went on to another blog. I don't think it was an accident that I found what I found. While I don't know what to say to you except, please hold on, here is a blog post that I hope will help a little? http://themisplacedamericans.blogspot.com/search/label/Cancer%20of%20the%20Soul
Just know there are others out there who do understand what you're going through.
Love ya lots.
I wish so much that I could be there to help out in some way, maybe help to take care of your little ones, do the shopping and bring chicken noodle soup to you in bed... I know exactly how you feel, the constant pain in your head that lingers and never really goes away, but instead gets only slightly better or far worse. I don't think any pillow no matter how expensive or inexpensive, specially made or otherwise provides any kind of comfort, at least not for me anyway.
I may not be a doctor or a person with eloquent advise or super helpful ideas, but I can tell you what has helped and continues to help a great deal for me in reducing the number and severity of my migraines and that is a change in my diet (I'll email you regarding what changes specifically). Medications never have helped me and only when I stopped taking them, reducing my medicated pain control to Acetomeniphen and Sodium Naproxin (two pills each, taken together with water-- gag! I dislike water-- but none the less taken with water) did I begin to find relief (coupled with the diet change) and side affects that made everything worse stop and continue to get better for me.
I highly recommend this, at least to try and at least the diet change (not the medication if you are not ready for that) and understand that, like all things, instant relief is not the outcome but rather a gradual relief over your entire body that you will begin to noticeably take place with each consecutive meal. I also recommend a wonderfully hot bath, surrounded by complete peace and quiet, in the dark, right before bed, right before you slip between the sheets of your bed.
Remember Kel, you are a Daughter of God and he does absolutely love you and listen to you and know what you think and how you feel. I truly do believe that all the trials we are handed in life, even the crappy, heartbreaking bottom of the rung ones that we think we are completely alone in working through are for our personal growth. I know only too well how hard the trials can be, but regardless of whether it be physical or spiritual pain, we must understand that there is absolutely something we are to learn from it and we are never alone, ever. You are not being punished, that is not how Heavenly Father works. He loves you and I love you.
Kelly,
I'm so sorry to hear that you are in so much constant pain. I feel like I can imagine what you're going through, but know that I don't suffer from it anywhere near the extent you are suffering. I've had chronic headaches my whole life--some turn into migraines, but I hesitate to call most of them migraines b/c I know they can be so much worse than what I normally have to suffer from.
Just last night, I woke up several times through the night in pain from the beasty headache that started yesterday. First thing this morning I took some drugs and that really helped me. So. . .I can appreciate your pain, but can't say I've felt it quite so intensely. I'm soooo sorry.
Travis told me that you had your wisdom teeth out not too long ago, and I was hoping that that would have helped the pain. Such a bummer that it didn't.
The one thing I discovered about 10years ago that has helped me significantly with my headache pain is drinking LOTS of water. I never liked drinking water, but it was explained to me that a large portion of our brain is water and if you don't replenish it, it becomes stagnant and causes headaches. I'm not sure if this will be helpful information for you, but it's cheap and pretty easy to do if you aren't drinking tons already. I used to bring a 32 ounce bottle to work and make myself drink it by lunch and drink another one after lunch. And then drink with my meals.
Remember how close I live to you and that you're welcome to call on me if I can ever help you out when things are just too much.
I noticed your thought, "Put God first and everything else will fall into it's proper place." It's true--but it's not always as easy as that sounds. He does love you. Remember that he was willing to let the Savior suffer a pain that none of us can begin to imagine. And there's no question that He loved Him. He loves you and is not punishing you. We grow stronger through our trials.
Hang in there.
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