My Sister, My Best Friend!

Yes, you are my sister;

This is very true.

But I also found my best friend;

Tucked inside of you.

I cherish the time we're together;

And miss you when we're apart.

I guess it's cause you're my sister;

And you're forever in my heart.

All the memories I have of us;

Will forever be apart of me.

They're tucked inside my heart and mind;

Where no one else can see.

You'll always be a part of my life;

A part no one can touch.

All because God made us sisters;

And I love you very much.

-betty hawkins

Matthew turns "3"

WOW!! Time does go fast when you're locking everything up, shutting all the doors, searching the trash can for all your missing items, yelling to stop the baby from getting hurt, etc. Oh I mean watching our two year old grow big and have silly comments all the time. Here are just a few things that will make you laugh about this sweet blond boy we live with (now don't get me wrong he is definitely the ideal "2" year old in EVERY way, but maybe being 3 will be different!!) He has always been the star in his daddy's eyes and can schmooze over the dad for anything he wants.
Three years ago we were sitting in a delivery room having our third little blessing and out pops our Matthew. It was such a great delivery that I told Travis how I wish we could have a million more babies. You would sleep all the time, not cry, be a very happy boy, but then somewhere along the way someone gave you an attitude, wow did that change me from really wanting anymore kids (good thing I was already prego with baby #4). You are silly in so many ways! Including when you get mad and you stick your tongue out one side of your mouth, turn your head to the side and act as if you were dead. lol

We have a 20 gallon fish tank with about 4 fish in it (now), but to Matthew he believes that Swedish fish (the little red candies) belong with the American fish (the little fishies really swimming around). He also believes these fish need toilet paper and he is always there to save them with a net when he thinks they are dead from all the abuse, I mean care he has given them, lol.

When we are watching a movie and anyone needs to get up for anything they always ask for it to be paused so they don't miss out on the movie, well little Mr. Matthew does the same thing, "Dad, cause the movie, I need to get my cars." (saying cars in his little New York accent). We have told him numerous times it is PAUSE but he continues to say CAUSE. When he comes back from doing what he needs to do he again tells his dad, ok cause the movie, instead of play.

Our little boy, has so many traits it is unbelievable. He is the sweetest, well mannered 2 year old ever! Honest he is! BUT he can also be the most horrendously BIG monster on the block with the worst attitude. He is always the one to say please and thank you, reminds everyone else to thank whomever made the meal, or bought him a gift or treat. He refuses to share his toys but when he wants help with something you need to do it NOW and he politely says thank you. If you have not seen this character in action you have definitely missed out!

This sweet "3" year old has the greatest smile and loves to laugh. When you ever hear the terms that laughing is contagious it is sooo true when it comes to Matthew. He will be in the car with baby Ashton in the back also and do some goofy thing to make Ash laugh and then continue to belly laugh from there. If you are not wanting to laugh you will listening to him it is hilarious.

Matthew has his best friend Hope and when she is gone to school his life is doomed til she arrives home again. She is all he talks about and what they will do when she gets home. Her name to him is "Sissy", unless of course he needs to tattle and then it becomes "HOPE" (that's screaming her name by the way).

We have certainly been blessed with this boy in our family!! He is such a great blessing 95% of the time and the other 5% of the time a HUGE trial. We have definitely learned a lot raising this boy. Not only from the terrible 2's but the many times we just sit and laugh at all the things this child comes up with. If I could only write down everything he says when he says it I would have a book of laughs for the rest of our lives to remember.

Some of the things Matthew likes and loves is as follows: to bite, have an attitude when he doesn't get his own way, Popsicle's, outside, his brudda (brother), sissy, cats, fish and giving them all that we have in life, being with his daddy, Elmo, Car Cars, trucks, taking baths, swimming, drawing in reading books, his monkey that talks, playing the computer, lining up ALL the cars and trucks throughout the house (we do not own the floor or have space for anything due to all the cars parked everywhere), torturing his baby brother, testing his mom to the limits, throwing things that he can't get to work in the garbage (assuming they are broken, like both of our cameras), going to the store.

Some things Matthew doesn't like: doing things when he is told to do them, learning to potty train, sitting down at the dinner table, being quiet, leaving his baby brother alone, his dad leaving without him, being without a book, pen or something to draw on, not having a Pepsi (Sprite) when his dad gets one, when someone tries to help him.

These are just a few things he likes and dislikes, but he has many other things I just can't think of. Mommy and Daddy love you so much Bubba! Life would NOT be the same without you in it. Even though you have thrown a lot of valuable things away and put many things in the cart at the store that we never knew you threw in there, we would never trade you! We have learned a lot from you in these short years together and plan on learning tons more from you in the years to come. Happy Birthday big boy it has been a delight being your mom and dad.

Sleep? What's that?

Ok so MOST of us get a reasonable amount of sleep and wake up feeling refreshed. Um, I can't remember when I last slept for more than 3 hours solid. Baby Ashton is not a sleeping baby at all!! He is a very good baby don't get me wrong BUT he also likes to whine and cry ALL the time, even in his sleep. Yes, he still sleeps in our bed (no comments please!!), we have never let the older two a day in their sweet little lives sleep in our bed but after losing a baby before the younger two came along changed something in us as parents and we have let these two sleep with us. Now most nights are just fine, did I mention that was with Matthew, lol. Ashton on the other hand is a whiner even in his sleep. Now mind you, I have many nights put him in his little bed next to ours and he has slept for an hour or two, but as soon as he has whined I put him in bed with us cuz I would rather have a little bit of sleep before 3am than to have none at all. Well last night he was sleeping so peacefully and I thought "wow are we going to get lucky" and as soon as I even had that thought I woke up to make sure he was still breathing and poor baby had a huge fever of 102*. I was so scared that I had to wake up Travis to get the thermometer and Tylenol and move baby to make sure he was coherent. Oh what a night it was from there. I am thankful that I woke him up as he was so out of it that I was scared! I did not go to work as this with any of my kids would make it a day that MOMS SHOULD BE HOME - REGARDLESS!!! Good thing I had one vacation day left, and it was approved! From this moment on until even as I write this our little baby is still whining and in pain from who knows what that it has left me wondering .... Sleep? What's that? I think he may be having a really hard time teething but I cannot for the life of me break his fever. This morning he was so lethargic that I have had to force him to intake liquids and stay hydrated. Babies make things so hard for me due to not being able to tell me how I can help them and it really doesn't matter how many kids you have you still can't guess. Tonight he is doing ok and we have not had to go to the hospital as of yet and I pray that we don't have to at all. As for the whining . . . it is still going strong even when I have gotten him to fall asleep for a minute. lol Sweet baby, mommy will go days without sleep if that's what it takes to keep you comforted.

Tests and more tests

So after the whole 7 week ordeal of extreme pain and medications and misery and hating everything around me I have been to see another Dr. only to be told to see another Dr. So I head out to the specialist who is going to test for the crazy Vertigo I deal with and see what we can do to try and get rid of it or minimize it if possible. I show up at the Hearing and Balancing office for my visit. As I am waiting in the lobby I look around and think "hmm, I look a bit to young to already be in this office" *sigh*
Then it's my turn. I walk back to an office and have a sit, answer a few questions before we get started on the testing and then put some goggles on. Now these are special goggles that only the nurse can see everything about my eyes and the inside of them on a screen while I am watching a small red dot bounce around the black wall. This test goes on for about 5 minutes and then we are done. (Now I was having a good day before I came here, meaning no excruciating migraine or sickness to endure today.)
Then we did a few other tests and then on to the ear tests. We start with cool air blowing deep inside my ear (as my head is spinning around a thousand times like when we were kids playing and twisting on a swing only to untwist to not be as dizzy in the end, if you remember those days.) and then I have to try and focus as she keeps my attention so I don't hurl from being so sick and dizzy. At this point I am doomed!! I am so sick and ready to vomit that I can't even hold still on the testing table. She asks me if I'm alright, "oh of course I am, go ahead" (I'm a bad liar). Then on to the warm air blowing deep inside my ears. By this time I am really really sick and want to be done and just walk out the door, but I'm way to shy to do that so I stay for more torture tests.
Next test I am in for the monitors placed on certain neck muscles to give a reading as I lift only my head off the table like 50 times, (I got a great abs workout that day!) We get all done doing these tests and I am just ready to run and find the closest toilet to be my new friend. Ok so I really did focus and she calmed me down so she could talk to me about the testing.
Now is where I am ready to be sick . . . the results. She tells me I have Vertical Nystagmus. In normal eyes they look straight with no movement, in mine they beat upwards, which is causing my vertigo, or adding to it she says. Then also she explains that the nerve that connects your ears, eyes and brain and has a certain task to do with messaging is damaged and my brain is sending off bad signals. Nothing is wrong with my hearing (thank goodness, of course unless you're talking to me LOL), but the nerve damage is affecting the way my brain is telling my body to accept medicine for pain.
First of all the damage was done by one of three things or multiple things: childhood head trauma (abuse or car accident when I was a teen), medications that have been taken within the course of my painful life, or migraines. Kinda odd to think that migraines would cause this damage, but it could be possible.
Now when she explained the nerve damage she said it was caused by one of these things and the bad signals being sent out are not allowing my body to accept medication as a way to fight pain. So say Travis has a migraine and he takes my pills I have been given, he will be relieved of the pain and also probably fall asleep until tomorrow. Yet when I take the same pill it may lessen the pain I am enduring by a few notches but will not relieve me of the burdensome pain as it does him and surely has not allowed me to go to sleep at all!!
With this nerve damage it is like a virus she says and is slowly attacking my central nervous system creating other parts of my body to randomly hurt. It will, in the future, slowly erase my memory, causing me to have early Alzheimer's at a young age.
As we are talking and discussing options of what I am to do for all this, she then tells me I need to see other specialists to take a bigger look into the picture and make sure nothing else is wrong. I have already had an MRI and Dr. said it was clean (makes me wonder), but now I am scheduled for a Physical Therapist for my eye issue and what to do from here and then onto a neurologist for the "crazy" head issues.
From here all it is is a big wait for another test and another Dr., but the biggest wait for me is when will the pain ever stop?? I know I hear all the time "change your diet", "exercise", etc. Well when you are in as much pain as I am everyday I barely even eat and when I do I'm lucky for whatever I can get, but I have cut out soda, sugar and salt (for those of you wanting to suggest that option). As for exercise, ya that's funny that you even mention that to me when I can barely get out of bed some days because I am so sick and nauseous. Or why even exercise when that adds to my migraines, um no thanks! I do try to walk but I can only do that for a little bit as I start getting light headed as if I just got done running a 6 mile race.
Some days I wonder if God really hates me, and I know I should have more faith and believe this is my path in life but why do I have to go from childhood abuse to life long pain?? This is NOT making me stronger it is actually weakening me more than any trial I have ever endured. But until someone walks in my path and feels my pain I feel everyday, not only the headaches but the random body pain, I really have a hard time telling you how I feel when I hurt. If you look at me I look normal but if you were to be inside my body and head you would see and feel a completely different Kelly that has to struggle to make it a good day. These last 2 months have been the worst in my whole life!! So if you wonder where I am or call my house to talk . . . I am home but not answering I am just trying to take care of myself along with the family that is my responsibility also.
Pain doesn't stop when you have a baby crying or a family that is hungry! I do thank God every day for the wonderful husband I have been blessed with! If it wasn't for him by my side I don't think I would be here writing this. Thank you Travis! You are God's greatest gift to me and my kids!!

"When is enough, enough?"

It starts with a simple headache while I am sleeping, progressing more intensely until I wake up. Now it is once again an extreme migraine with nausea, blurred vision, even blacking out. I take a pill for the nausea and quickly grab other pills with a can of Coke (only because this is what the emergency room will do and charge me $250.00) and try to gain control of my head pain. The Vertigo kicks in (again) and all I do is start spinning as if someone had spun me around in circles like when we were kids. I'm starting to think the dizziness you get from drinking when you are buzzed feels so much better than this!
Those who have pain can relate in why you start to become desperate in any way to find relief. Some drink the pain away, some get hooked on drugs and make the pain go away, some just try and live with it, while others don't live with it at all and just give up. It's not just a depressive thought in my head it's a "when does it ever end" thought. If you don't live with chronic pain and migraines everyday like some of us do it is very hard to understand. All you can think of is to tell that person "just be positive, it'll pass", "oh, I'm sorry", "hope you feel better", or better yet simply telling that person (in your own suttle words) "it's just in your head you're trying to get attention."
I could only wish that all could understand what I feel like in this state. It doesn't go away, it's real and consumes your EVERYTHING as a person!! The pain is so real it causes a lot more problems than you could ever imagine. I not only feel the sharp pain, dull pain, throbbing pain, feelings of my head in a vice, etc., but you also get VERY depressed (wanting to never leave my bed). I'm irritable at anyone and everyone around, nauseas and vomiting, uncontrollable crying when I least expect to have tears falling. Instead of praying for help and anything good, I start praying just to never wake up tomorrow.
Now you might think "well that sure is selfish of you to even think of that" but have you ever hurt so bad? Have you ever wondered why this is happening to you? Have you ever wondered if it ever ends? Have you ever stopped to wonder what that person is really going through, or how they feel?
It's extremely hard to be a happy, positive, thankful person and the mom or wife I should be when I hurt so bad that my whole world inside my thoughts are nothing but black! When I hurt so bad I don't stop to think of the kids and how I affect them, until I'm lying in bed crying because my pain is hurting them too from yelling and saying mean things to them. I don't stop to think they are just kids and they don't understand. My thoughts are all on the pain I am trying to endure.
Some days I think I'll just put on a smile and no one will know I am hurting or not allow someone to notice my pain, while inside, my head is throbbing so bad I can barely even concentrate or think clearly. The world around me still goes on, not that I am wanting it to stop for me, but instead wondering "WHY, why am I in constant pain, miserable and wanting to die while they have nothing to deal with?" Now these are my feelings and I know that everyone has something they deal with, but when you hurt so bad you don't stop to think about that. Nothing can even lighten the pain I feel everyday.
I spend my families food money just to pay another co-payment to see another Dr. and all they do is give another drug with yet another side effect to deal with. I can only wish that I was that other person who is happy and walks around as if they have nothing to deal with. I hate that others who don't know what chronic pain and migraines feel like can just say all the positive things as if it'll make it all better.
Why couldn't I be that person to have positive feelings and outlook on things? Why can't I be that person with the faith to get me through this? Instead here I sit crying, wondering why God would just allow all this pain and no answers to why I hurt so it can be dealt with if not fixed. This isn't a free agency issue, so why can't he take control? Is it because I don't pray and read scriptures with my family everyday? Is it because I don't go to church all the time like I should? Is it because I have made mistakes and this is punishment for not choosing the right? Is it because I'm not that sweet, perfect, loving mom/wife and I'm always angry and yelling? Does he even care and listen when I'm crying and begging day in and day out for some relief? I don't think he does! I feel like I am lost and I will never find my way back out of this black painful hole I have fell into. I will live here in misery forever!
How can I even think such things? What happen to the days like others when I was happy and pain free? Is that the option I'll never have again? Just like all the Utah signs say for depression (this can also apply to someone in so much pain with depression) "You wouldn't tell someone who has cancer to snap out of it would you?" or "You wouldn't tell someone with diabetes to get over it would you?" Then why is it so many others around me can quickly react or shake their heads or give snide remarks? Why is it when I'm not able to go to work than I'm accused of faking and just wanting an extra day off? Do you ever stop and think that if it was you in this much pain how you would react to the way others treated you? Maybe for once we should all stop and think of others before judging or making them feel worse than they do. If only I could explain exactly what and how I feel inside and how bad it hurts to never find relief or support.
As the day ends I've now consumed over 8 pills trying to find relief only to be in a more confused state of mind and still in pain. It's now 10pm, I lay on my pillow (mind you it is a $40 pillow especially made for comfort) and it feels like a brick. I try to move around and adjust, instead only finding a slightly soft spot to lay down. I listen as my family peacefully sleeps, some snoring, some talking and walking in their sleep. It is now midnight and I am still hurting only to start crying and praying again for it to stop even for a minute so I can sleep before I get up for work at 3:30am. I finally fall asleep at about 2:10am and the next thing I know it is time for work and I am now laying on the bathroom floor from passing out. My head hurts so bad!! It's just another day in the life of pain and no solution to this mess I live in. Where's the pills . . . . one for nausea, 2 for head pain, and 1 for Vertigo just to start the day! When is enough, ENOUGH??

What are you thankful for?

Is it the small things, the BIG things, the monetary things that you're thankful for? Well I would like to challenge you all to write down in your journals 10 things everyday what you are thankful for. Now there is one thing about your daily lists that you need to do: You can only write what you are thankful for once in the week, for ex. if you are thankful for birds on Monday you cannot say it again anytime that same week. By the end of your 7 day week you should have listed 70 new and different things nothing being the same.
I am thankful for . . . . .
1. My close/extended family and friends, especially Chad who makes me laugh over the simplest things on the internet.
2. My 5am job that allows me to pay less in childcare and my babies spend more time with Travis and I at home.
3. My sisters who are my BEST FRIENDS!!
4. Having the "greatest" babysitter on the face of this earth, I love her soo much!
5. For my health.
6. For the blue skies and fresh air we are blessed with each day.
7. For health benefits, bonuses and great pay at work.
8. The time I get to spend with my hubby and still love him more today than 17 yrs ago! He is still my best friend!
9. All the yummy meals my loving hubby builds for our family each day.
10. Being able to have healthy babies and to hear them giggle.

This is what I am thankful for this evening (and yes they are all different from what I was thankful for this morning even). Also I am thankful for YOU!!

Facebook and Friends!!

Ok so it has been quit some time since I have had anything to blog about, but today was such a great day that I thought I would just tell you what I am thankful for. I am so thankful for the internet in that aspect of friends! Why you ask? Well I am not only thankful for the net that gives the fabulous friend finding page "Facebook", but also for those fabulous friends that have taken a minute or two to put their names on there and either look me up or when I find them they accept once again to be my web friend, LOL.
I am so thankful today that I have found my elementary buddies that I have never forgotten, yet life has separated us for so many years and now we are finally in touch again. I am thankful that we all have had the trials that we have had in our lives to make us each the person we are today and I know even through the hard times wondering what we are learning from it all we have definately all became the best person we can be today.
Life is too short to dwell on the bad and the past but this is one time I am thankful for the past!! I am so thankful for all the many friends we are given throughout our lives and for life bringing us all back around to revisit the past friends and have them in our lives.
Old friends, new friends, good friends, getting better friends that is what we are all looking for! Once again I am happy this day and so thankful God gave us friends in this life!! To all my friends......I love you and you are the BEST!!