I am starting to wonder what can possibly be next. I have finished another week of doctors and testing along with some very scary results. First, I followed up with my balance and hearing therapist who worked with and taught me a few skills to work on with stress, relaxing and ME time. (this will have to be another blog) But as she was doing the testing for 2 hours she reiterated the Nystagmus within my eyes and that we have small exercises to help with this but it will not cure it, it's main goal is to help it from not getting worse which would cause surgery and such, so we will continue to work hard on that one. She also gave me more results after a few short tests that my front neck muscles have been damaged and are not working as a normal muscle should work, making my back neck muscles work extra hard adding unnecessary strain to my nerves adding to the neck nerve damage. (did that make sense, cuz it all is spinning in my head and I am having a hard time comprehending it all also).
Anyways after Wednesday comes Thursday and Thursday brings me to another doctor visit and more results not really wanting to hear. This was my cardio exam, due to the black outs I have started having, to check for any stroke activity or signs of things to worry about. Oh I now have things to worry about alright!! Went through the whole hour testing to be led to another room to have a nurse come and talk to me about the results. Um, can I say SCARY!! We sat about 15 minutes in this little room with a cold drink they offered to us, which led me to believe something else was wrong. After our wait a great nurse came in and she discussed a few things about the heart and then gave me some results. I have a hole in my heart which is called "Patent Foramen Ovale" or (PFO). I can try to explain in a few words best I can.
While we are babies we all have a small flap within our heart that allows the blood flow from right to left as it creates the two upper chambers (atria) of the heart. At about 18 months this fuses together and we no longer have a hole within our heart it will now be two separate chambers for the blood to flow into the right side, into our lungs to be filtered, then to the left side clean and pure and off to the rest of our bodies including our brain.
Well with this hole within my heart it is having blood enter the right side and a large portion going the correct way and a small portion going the wrong way. Now with the portion that is just going from the right side leaking through the hole to the left side it is not only unfiltered but it can also have a clot within it and travel to my brain causing me to have a stroke. This may or may not be the reason adding to my migraines, but we will soon find out. I am now diagnosed with being a very high risk stroke patient and will be watched and monitored often.
It doesn't stop at this. . . .we have to return to the cardiologist on Friday, May 29th to have an additional test done to view how large the hole is within my heart. Depending on what is said and how big the hole is I may or may not be in for open heart surgery within the next month or so. If it is not significant enough of a hole I will continue to take meds to thin my blood, be on a high risk stroke list and also be checked to make sure the hole is not growing that will make surgery happen also.
When I left the hospital today I felt so alone even as I walked next to Travis and the two babies. I felt like crying and screaming because of the news I was just given, yet I felt I needed to be the strong one and keep it all together and not cause any additional stress than what we were both feeling at the time. Travis immediately suggested we up my life insurance and get things written down of what, where, when if something does happen when we least expect it.
This is all so crazy to me that I feel like I am in a dream half the time and I just can't wake up to see the light of day again. Some days I feel as if I am numb, like I am just here yet I am really not. Do you just grin and bare it and continue to the doctors only to hear another bad result? I know keep my chin up, be strong, this is just something I have to go through to make me stronger . . . to hell with that do you really know what it feels like? Do we ever just stop and think of how others may feel? Do we realize some of us (ME) are not as strong as others (possibly YOU) to go through all the stress to learn a lesson?
I will continue to fight and be as strong as I can BUT I can NOT guarantee that I will be my best at times. I cry, sulk, be ornery, get mad, cry some more, wish I had someone by my side to give me support, cry again and try to smile to push my pain and stress away to take care of my family like I should be doing. I will wait a week and give more results then. I will continue to pray for the best as I hope you will with me also. Until then I will get on the life insurance for my babies.
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