What is a hole?

We all know a hole as a dip in the ground one of the kids dug for a truck to utilize, what you put your earrings in, the entrance where you put your foot into your shoe, a place where a dog saves that yummy bone for later, the small place in the middle of a CD, the opening to light a smelly candle, or as Khristapher says what's between your cheeks (lol), etc. So you get the idea of what a hole is and many places where they are to be and it's ok, but let me tell you where this "hole" poses a problem: IN MY HEART!!

After checking into the cardiologists office this morning we sat in the lobby for about 25 minutes. I read a book as Travis and the 2 small boys looked out the window at all the cars in the hospital parking lot. I was then called back to start my "bubble test" as she called it. As she starts with the IV for the test she asks which arm would you like it in? Hmm, as I look at them both all bruised from the weeks of many pokes, I just tell her to take the right since just 2 days ago the left was a bit bruised from the last IV.

As she starts this test and the IV is all in she puts this funky bar looking hat on my head that will monitor the bubbles that reach my head from the hole within my heart. As she finds the path on my head she tightens the little bars until this is feeling like an overly tight pony tail. The next thing is to push some saline through the IV into my heart, then to shake up the IV with some bubbles and then push that through the IV as I bare down (as if I am going #2), and then the last one was as she pushed the saline through I was to blow into a tube as if I was blowing up a balloon.

Now these sound really easy but have you ever tried blowing up a balloon that just wouldn't blow no matter how hard you tried and your head kinda started hurting? Or have you ever tried to bare down and not let anything out, not even a fart in front of others? It wasn't that easy it actually made my head hurt worse than it already was. (I know, nothing knew for a chronic pain/migraine patient right?)

She took the IV out and the head set off, wrapped my arm up as it bled profusely (as I am on aspirin to thin my blood so it is a less chance of blood clots forming and traveling to my brain) and then took us back to the waiting room for another 25 minutes. Thank goodness I had a book to partially keep my mind off of things for a minute or two. The nurse opens the door and invites us back again to another room. The way she starts in on the conversation I knew things were not good. She tells me how things will work for a heart surgery to happen and what I would need to take and do "if" the doctor feels this is the right path. Tells me he'll be in our room in a few moments.

Ok so the longest few moments later (30 min.) doctor comes in and immediately tells me I am very high risk for strokes and that he needs to give me some results to weigh my options at this time. **SCARED** On a scale from 1 (being pin size hole) to 5 (being very large hole) I rate at a high 5. I also have 3 white lesions on my brain from 3 minor strokes, and the extreme migraines that I have weekly put me at a very good position of getting things taken care of now before anything else happens that could cause permanent damage to my heart.

Even after this day is about to end I am still in awe and not really believing, I guess you could say, that I am scheduled to have heart surgery, due to the hole in my heart, at the end of June. I am so scared and stressed at the same time I don't think I can even think positive right now. I know many have told me to and give me time and I will get stronger but right now I am going to cry and cry and cry until I can't cry anymore and wait for my last two tests results to come back and just pray they are of good news and not bad this time around.

I am a little scattered brained and a nervous stressed wreck right now so if this is a bit scattered and hard to understand believe me that is how I am feeling and thinking on the inside also. Until I can think again I am off to rest, it's been a very long day.