Priority or an option?

Don't put someone as a priority in your life when you are only an option in theirs!

Broken Hearts

   About 4 years ago, I had emergency heart surgery and something changed! Yes, I got a repaired heart and all, but I started having random questions pop into my head about religion/God. Now is this due to while I was under anesthesia the people in the operating room were talking of certain subjects? Was it from others in my room after surgery talking about certain subjects? I don't know, but I knew I needed to just simply put it aside, or as some say. . .'put it on that shelf within my head'. 

   The years have progressed and the questions have come in handfuls. Of course as a believer you simply put those questions aside, try building your faith and testimony and read the scriptures, while you are NOT to ask questions!!  Ok well, I didn't! Not even to my hubby, until one day this last summer.  I received a package from a friend who had sent me a new Bible and told me to start reading it like a child. Not to read INTO it, but read it as a child would read a book, starting in the New Testament and this will answer some of the questions I have.  I thought, hmm well that is weird direction, but ok. So I did. . . .this is my story!

   July 2011, I started reading the Bible twice a day, man was it BOOORIIIING!! But, I kept going as this friend promised I would get my answers. By the end of the month, I had finished the New Testament and things inside of me started changing.  I prayed to find answers to my questions and that God would show me the truth. The truth to who God is and to what the plan in my life really was suppose to be.

   At this same time I was also fighting with the hubby and we were done with marriage! After 15 years of lies, cheating and disrespect we were throwing in the towel. Ha!! That was NOT right!! There was NOT one bone in my body that felt good about that and I started praying to God to fix ME. What am I doing wrong? Show me myself and how WE can fix this, as deep down it is truly not what either one of us wanted. Let me tell you, God started showing and moving within us fast.  Within about 6 weeks we knew something was different!!

   Along with the reading of the Bible and multiplying of prayers I had also bought a "Marriage Fitness" program off the net that promised to fix us or our money back!! Well no loss here right?? God had a plan, little did I know, we were headed in the right direction and maybe a direction I wasn't prepared for, but God new, for a fact, after 34 years of molding me into what He wanted me to go through and learn from I was ready for the path He lead me to.

   We focused on this program about LOVE and reading the Bible together and talking about the questions we had. I was shocked! Not only was I having questions and keeping them to myself about the church, but so was T.  He couldn't believe that we were not just asking each other these doubts and questions. And the flood gates opened. . . .

   We took up the offer from an aunt to come visit her church, a non-denominational church and based on the Bible. If this isn't THEE biggest 'anti' Mormon thing to do I don't know what is. Not only were we starting to read the "it is correct ONLY if it is translated correctly) book ever written (the Bible), but now we were going to attend somewhere that all they did was speak, sing and teach about Jesus, NOT man!! I mean I sat in the Mormon church Sunday classes and how many times did they teach a lesson ALL about Christ? Hmm? Good question.

   August 2011, I went to my aunts Bible class, on a Wednesday, just to teach them all about coupons. No talk about religion at all, other than a prayer to end.  These women were so AMAZING!!  They were kind, respectful and soo loving! Not to say any other group of women aren't, but man this was different.  Before I left they offered an invitation to come back, not only to teach them more about the coupons, but to join them for a Bible study. I said I would think about it. Two weeks later I gave into the invite and came back. I mean it is about God, there couldn't possibly be anything to harm me right?!?! 

   At the class I just simply observed as they talked. I don't remember the discussion, but one of the ladies, Karen, spoke up to add to the talk saying that LDS think that ONLY God can talk to the prophets of the church NOT to any of us individuals. I thought, well that is not true, why would she say that? So I spoke up and said well I am LDS and that is not what I think!!  At first I may have been offended, and thought who the heck is she to judge??  But at the same time I thought well maybe she just doesn't know anything about the LDS. Lo and behold she is now one of my greatest sisters in Christ. . .and YES she does KNOW ALL about the LDS teachings and how it all goes down in the church.  She WAS a Mormon also!!  Thank you Karen, but mostly thank you God for putting Karen into my life to answer WHY??!!!

   At the end of August, after talking and asking many questions to others that are WILLING to answer and not just shun your question, I prayed to God the sinners prayer (Romans 10:9-13), as simple as "Lord Jesus, I repent of my sins. Come into my heart I make you my Lord and Savior. Amen."  After this I also said many other prayers to Him asking for forgiveness of my sins, judgements against others, hate, jealousy, and any other things I am carrying a burden for.  My life started changing in soo many ways, but at the same time some very judgemental friends and family shunned me, and I could do nothing but Praise God and cry at the same time.

   The first friend, whom I thought was my best friend, kicked me to the curb QUICKLY!!  She did NOT like my questions, comments or anything else nor would she allow me to talk to her about my concerns. Not only did she immediately shun me she is really good friends with my sister who also has limited her chats with me since my questioning came about. Excuses of being busy and such will come about, but one KNOWS you are being shunned when you talk to these people if not everyday then a few times a week to now twice a year if that. Disheartening to say the least, but Jesus tells us that when you follow Him wholeheartedly EVERYONE will turn against you as if you are the enemy, just as they did to Jesus.

   As the fall ended and winter came I could do nothing but read the BoM, Bible, ALL other books that were for and against these two books to finally try and get some answers to my confusing questions. We don't just buy a house or car without searching the history of it all or by going off what are families have taught us about it. So I searched and questioned and questioned and searched night and day. I was shunned and told I am just asking things to cause a fight or conflict in my relationships. If I truly wanted to know I would ask with prayer and a sincere heart, lol the heart is the most deceitful WHY would I trust my heart??  God gave me a head of sound mind to question question and question some more, why would I NOT ask those that I trusted to help me with my questions? Instead those closest to me wanted to hear NOTHING about my religious questions and that I should just trust the prophet as we don't know everything, telling me some things are just a mystery. WOW! God tells us NOTHING is a mystery! He tells us Christ IS the mystery within us!

  Come early spring I was on fire for Jesus and that new creation He created me to be could NOT be contained. I wanted to share Jesus with everyone I came across! When I put my trust in God and not man, He completely changed my life!! I no longer take anti depressants everyday! I am drug free from any kind of prescriptions for migraines that I have always dealt with! I no longer turn to alcohol to wash away my past, instead I face it and forgive those that have hurt me physically, mentally, verbally. I give it all to Christ at the cross who took on the world and hurt so I can live in Him. When Satan tries to bring up the past I remind him of his future and again I am set free in Christ!

 

  I am going to leave it here for now but will come back to continue my journey from hell to Christ and how worth it it has been to travel this path, even if I have done it alone.

 

  
  
  

Who do YOU say I am??

No other name can make the enemy and those that follow him shutter. 

 

Jesus asks many times "Who am I to you??"  How would you answer that?

 

Is He just the son of God who came and suffered in the garden for your sins and died on the cross? Or is He God Omnipotent, Omnipresent, Omniscient that came and gave himself, dying on the cross to GIVE you life?

 

Who am I? Who do you say I am?

Today. . . .

I thought of you as I always do. I am soo thankful for those that continue to love me, regardless of my choices! I love you today tomorrow and eternity!! YOU will always be in my thoughts and MY best friend! Even when you are silent.

Lost?!?!

Today solidifies the loss I have thought would never come, but you have just given me that complete affirmation! Not sure where you went, but I know about when. You reach out often, but is it for help? NO! You have gone from thinking of others to thinking about yourself and your next fix. You wanted the things you have been given, all your life and all you do is destroy it every day inch by inch. How can you live the way you are living? You know you are not happy, yet you continue to strive for what you think is more, yet it is soo much less then I would ever think of you wanting. All that matters to you is who you can use or convince to help with your fix. What happen to YOU? You try to blame it on the worldly things and your past, but to me a person who has all you have would strive to be better and want better than the life you have lived.
I cannot believe the things we have been through together and you write me off as if I was the gum on your shoe. I miss our times together. I miss YOU, the OLD you not the one I have become to know in the past 10 years. I am at a loss with the person you have chose to become. You complain about no one there for you, yet the one person who is there for you through the good and bad you have discarded. I have tried for the last time to get through to you. I am done, there will be no more trying, no more texting, emails, calls....NOTHING!
You have hurt me for the LAST time!! When you need something don't call me, as I will not answer. I will not write. I will no longer respond to you as I am done. All I can do is cry and hurt for you and will not forget, but as you have put me behind you for the last time, I can't hold on to the want of it all anymore. I am so hurt I am really at a loss for the words I need to express in order to get this off my chest. Please take care of yourself and know I love you, but obviously YOU have chosen to place me as an expendable in your life. TTFG *sigh*

I don't feel an ounce better!! You nor anyone else will ever know how much this evil drug has a hold on ones complete being...I am dizzy all day as if I am a wanna be drunk that NEVER gets to pass out, but instead endures each and every bit of this med to the core and every inch of my body. I dread going to sleep as the nightmares will only kick in and take over everything causing my heart to hurt, body to jolt and within that measly little 45 minutes I have been asleep then jolts me back to reality yet the nightmare is so real it leaves me checking the space in my room for the intruder. This medicine makes you feel all the control it has over you as I have now been off it for one week and only taking an Organic detox. I feel pain in every inch, pore, etc. of my body to the end of every limb, aching all night long as if it is a cruel evil bug stomping throughout my insides with a vengeance. I lay awake with only 45 minutes of sleep all night tossing and turning, crying at the pain...if only I could give into drugs or death this would be my only salvation!! Now how is this to turn out positive for me, I wonder. How am I to hold to my faith and trust that He is listening to my prayers, asking and pleading for relief of any sort to just hold me for once and stop the pain!?! My body not only hurts inch by inch, but also itches randomly. Can you itch it for any relief, NO!! It is like the itch is there yet it is not when you try to console that issue. Do I make sense when I write something down? Probably not but inside my head nothing makes sense. You are given only as much as you can handle? Well I can't handle anymore, it is not easy being in pain everyday of my life, nor is it easy trying to find relief in a world that don't understand the emotions that are involved in this trial I am in. I am not asking for someone to be there for me, of course not it is not their problem, but I will be a helluva lot more sympathetic to ones need that is in pain, emotionally or physically. I will show you I care from the bottom of my heart as I know how alone you will feel, as if no one is there for you nor do they care for you. It's not easy when you love someone sooo much, yet with the emotions they are the one you are hating the most. Why if God is listening to each and every prayer, begging to have the devil cast out of my thoughts and trying to destroy me as a person, why would He not help me or give me a salt grain of faith to go off of that he is there for me and listening? I am not perfect in my religion, or many other things that are expected of me, but if I was would you still want me? Probably not! Yet I am not striving to make it through anything for you, I am trying to strive for myself. I get discouraged by many comments that make me feel like I don't do anything right, or I am negative, but then I have to laugh when they express of having a trial or bad day that they don't give out their positive energy as I am not doing. Grr, I am soo frustrated that I can't spit out the words I want to say and make sense. I want to tell you everything yet I am wordless, but the words I do give don't even make sense. I'm done writing for today! I'm going to buy me a chair, I feel today this will make me happy! - Kelly 8)

Detoxing has begun

All I can do is try to let you in and understand how I feel. Do I expect you to, of course not. Do I want your sympathy, No! Do I need you to criticize me with your spiteful words when you feel you are better than me, Hell NO! You have no idea what I am going through. You live your life in a perfect world as if nothing else matters and I sure in the hell don't matter to you. You act and say that I do, but DO I? Don't even try to answer that, I don't even care. I sit here and try to tell you how I feel and you just say to be positive and it's not all that bad. I am the one making it to be the way things are. Yet do you stop for one minute and research the drug that I am taking? Do you stop for one minute and research or feel that pain I am really in? Or do you have it in your mind that I just make that up also? You think you know me yet you know nothing about me!! You don't know how many days and hours I sit and cry in pain. How many times I just wish life ended due to my life spinning out of control due to 24 hours of Vertigo, oh you don't even know what Vertigo feels like? Of course you don't in your perfect world why would you. You are quick to judge for all the things someone else has or hasn't done but you can't stop and think really what I am going through. The pills that once worked for that pain that gave me a little hope that there was light at the end of the tunnel have now changed a 360 degree turn around and I just can't stop like that. These are so addictive and have so many side effects to them that I am literally sick emotionally, physically and in every way I can explain to you. I have literally locked myself in my room everyday for 2 weeks. I don't answer the phones, the door, nothing. I have my kids lie to anyone that asks for me that I am sick (which is that really a lie) or that I am sleeping so I won't ever have to leave my room. I get dressed and sit back on the comfort of my bed. I know that if I am in the comfort of my blanket and pillow I can cuddle and cry at anytime and no one knows this. Did you know this? Of course not! Did you know that I do not sleep, and if I do it is when I should be at work, so this means I am either on medical leave or about to lose my job? Oh yes, stop whining as you say and be positive, stop bringing others down.
My head is spinning, I feel like I am going crazy, do you know what this really feels like? Do you think half the time I even make sense? No! You think I should explain things to you and I shouldn't have to do anything for you. I can't be positive like you want me to be, I hurt and have no support!!! I have to detox from this addictive medicine all alone, by myself. My husband has nothing to say when I need it the most, but what is it he is suppose to say? I have no friends, I don't want to go to church, why so I have to put on my fake face and act like nothing is wrong, and when I try to say something I am given the pity party attitude, like I am just another one of those people on the block that have issues, unlike YOU but also no one will understand like you don't either. I can't even write it to tell you how I feel or hurt or how I feel crazy or spin inside to make you understand what it is like. My sisters are too busy for me. They don't even talk to me at all. I have no support. I yell at my kids because I am annoyed at everything. I cry just because I am annoyed or because I yelled at them for being loud. I hate eating because it all makes me sick, but then why eat, it will make me fat and then I won't be tiny like the other girls around me or even like my sisters. But now you say what does this have to do with the issue... A LOT!! It's called, emotional issues that are found deep within and you think that are buried until your head is spinning and you are so alone that all you think of is HOW alone you really are. How you have no support, no friends, no sisters, you are so unattractive that your own husband wants nothing to do with you and when he does it is only because you have mentioned it to him. Your kids want to be somewhere else but with you at home. I have so much anxiety that it adds to my sickness. I am tired in the morning when I should be working. I can't even wake up within myself until about 4pm and then I am awake until about 2am. What the hell is wrong with me. I am so scared for the next few days/weeks while I have to detox from this medicine. I am not ok with all this and I do not care that all I am is to be positive. I understand the better you think and more positive vibes you bring on the more positive things are what are brought upon you, BUT I am pretty sure God himself knows what I am enduring right now and knows that this is not a positive thing I am enduring and he knows I am doing my best to get through this trial. Others may not think so, but YOU are not in my shoes and enduring MY trial. You are the one to judge my words, thoughts or what it is the way I think of this whole process. I am doing my best and you will never know how many times I have prayed in a day asking for guidance and help along with peace and the spirit to be with me to get through this safely. I am me and if you don't like the way I am or how things are said you can just keep your simple words to yourself. Not only are you blunt, but you are very spiteful and hurtful in all you say, whether you are pointing them towards one or many. Hearts are broken and I know you will go on still not caring and they will still hurt as if nothing matters. Tomorrow will come and the physical and emotional pain will surface ten fold and you will go on, it will forever remain as if I thought you cared and you really didn't. But no thanks! I will can only move forward and start a new day. - Kelly

My Journey starts today . . .

Come this Wednesday, June 30th it will be the one year mark to my heart surgery. I am OK, I guess. I am alive and that is a good thing but my chest hurts like it never has in my life and they still to date say this is normal, I am not a believer that pain is normal, but anyway. I still have migraines which after my surgery I found a Dr. who prescribed the medicines Cymbalta and Topomax together to take care of both the pain and depression I was trying to deal with. I was at the point last summer/fall that I prayed everyday that tomorrow would not come as I could not bare the pain any longer. I am very strong when it comes to pain and tolerate a lot yet when you are not the one who deals with this pain 24/7 you would never understand what it does to one and what kind of depression this really puts one into. Some have told me I am a selfish little girl and think only of myself when I am so far in the dumps from being in this pain that all I have thought of is never seeing tomorrow, yet never stop to think of what I am feeling inside with all the pain, but back to last fall and finding a Dr. LOL This Dr. brought me great relief in giving me a mix of medicine that gave me that light at the end of the tunnel. I found those good days I never thought I would ever see. I found that there really are days with no pain and I can stand to live and not wish away tomorrow, until NOW!!!!
My life has slowly plummeted. Cymbalta is a very addictive drug, yet I was never told this when I was put on it. I was never told as I was near death the last few mornings driving to work and I have literally woken up at the wheel only 5 minutes into my drive almost hitting the car next to me, and 2 mornings later almost hitting the concrete wall, that at anytime this drug can have severe reactions and hit at anytime. Yes I know that both these drugs together make you extremely tired and this is why I take them at 4pm in the afternoon to sleep at night and have never had problems for the last year of driving in the morning to work, sitting at work falling asleep or even after work at 1pm falling asleep driving home. WTH?? I am not OK with dying at the hands of these Dr.'s prescribing me drugs that are addictive and I have no control over it.
I have made the choice to stop taking them BUT I can't just quit cold turkey of course due to all the extreme side effects: nausea, brain zaps, vertigo, mood swings, etc.
I am scared as this will not only take a huge toll on me and my body emotionally and physically but also my family and those around me. I know I will have Travis there to support me but what do you do without a friend or your family by your side supporting you, understanding you or what the withdrawal symptoms do to you? I know I will be doing this on my own and I will get through this, but it will take awhile and a lot of work and side effects and pain and emotions! I have read many other blogs of people who have had the same experience of coming off this addictive drug and WOW I am not so sure I am ready, but I have to be! So I will just start here and continue to write as I go. It will be good and bad I can imagine, but I will get through this! KM

My PFO surgery. . . .

I am 33 have had 3 small strokes in the past 3 months due to extreme migraines and chronic head pain I live with everyday. I went to the cardiologist to have things tested with my heart make sure things were going as they should. Come to find out I have a hole the size of a lime in my heart. I immediately became the perfect candidate for a PFO. Within minutes, I was scheduled to come back within 4 weeks to have this surgery done and see what results came of it. I was told that I would not feel or remember anything and it was a really quick surgery and a one night stay and a few medicines I will go home with. Ok I was scared to go on with the surgery (I mean who isn't when you know someone is messing with your main vein and heart).

On June 30th 2009, I got my kids all taken care of and off to the hospital me and Travis went. I was already scared to even be there and then it got worse when the Dr. was behind and I had to sit for another 2 hours waiting. UGH! The IV in my hand was scary within itself (never had one even when I had given birth to 4 babies). Then when I was wheeled into the surgery room it was freezing and I was alone with all these strangers. The nurse talked to me a little bit, but I had the worst migraine (topping any chart) that it was really hard to concentrate. They scrubbed me up half my belly, and thigh with a blue stain (makes you look like a smurf) then they gave me the medicine in my IV that is suppose to be the "wonder" drug of all drugs to make you forget and feel calm. Well it really made me feel calm but I never forgot anything and still felt my head pain.

They started the numbing of the leg and that hurt like a bit of a bee sting and then I was numb I guess. I didn't feel anything until . . . WOW!! They hit the right side of my inner chest thru the main vein (thought I wasn't suppose to be feeling this?) I said something to them and I guess they upped the IV med a bit. Then WOW!! They had just moved onto the middle of my chest man that hurt and then WOW!! they must have just hit the heart. Now when I say this hurts and I can feel it I CAN FEEL IT!! They gave me a bit more drugs in my IV. Now my body does not take medicine like a normal persons body does. If you were to take some narcotic it would probably wipe you out and you would go to sleep, see ya in the morning type thing. Ok me? Um NO! I get a notch or two of pain relief and just deal with the rest of the pain. Medicine really doesn't take in my body.

Well they finished up, took me to the recovery room, and then after a few poking and prodding took me to my over night room. I really couldn't feel anymore chest pain but man did my head hurt still!! I finally took a sleeping pill and was out. Since the surgery I guess due to the Plavix you are given to take for a period of time I bruise deep black and blue bruises, looks like I am abused or something. You never really realize how much you hit yourself or things that hit you leave a mark until now. My leg is extremely sensitive and bruised at the sight.

After all is said and done, if you deal with Migraines 1, 2, or 18 a month like I do, I would recommend you have this PFO surgery in a heart beat!! Even if you pay the hospital bill $25 a month for the rest of your life, nothing will ever compare to having a day without pain like I have been given!!! I dealt with minor headaches everyday to up to 4 migraines a week, and I mean the extreme, puke your guts out, lay in a black room and hush your kids to a mute silence household migraine. Now I think in the 30 days I have had maybe 2 migraines but not the extreme ones I was having.

I have had really hard time in my life not wanting to be here a few times due to constant pain and if I can reach any one out there that deals with migraines or you read this and tell someone about it, I will be so happy to tell you JUST DO IT!!! You will NOT regret it! It will be scary til your done but it is SO WORTH IT!!! Don't listen to your neurologist who says it will have nothing to do with your migraines, I am living proof OH YES IT DOES!!
I would do it all over again (even to go thru the chest pain I had during surgery and the many days I cried before scared and after cuz my leg hurt). I wish you all who have migraines the best of luck and that you will find the comfort of a pain free day like I have. I never thought this day would come!!

Well I jumped into the extreme coupon world and it is a lot of fun yet frustrating at the same time. We did save TONS which was awesome for our budget and will allow us to shop more if need be. We spent a total of about $210 on all these groceries: 14 boxes cereal, 10 boxes fruit snacks, 8 boxes chex granola bars, 3 bags chex mix, 6 jars pasta sauce, 4 jars alfredo sauce, 4 bottles snapples, 1 box suddenly salad, 1 pkg. Soliel razors, 1 box capri sun, 2 jars roasted honey peanut butter, 4 tubs frosting, BUT only paid $69.79 WOW!!

This was our second trip but we didn't get a photo of the first to post so we thought this would do for show. We not only used the in-store sales but also the coupons we had on hand. I think the frustrating part of it all is the checkers don't really want to utilize the coupons when you have more than say 6 coupons, it takes up their time. Yet they would be standing there whether I had coupons or not! This trip was to Albertsons. We also made a different trip to Walmart which in the very end of scanning all my coupons they decided they were going to have a fit. I bought 6 desserts and had a valid coupon for each one of them. Now get this: I am able to buy as many things of one item that I want to BUT when it comes to you having a coupon for all those items all the sudden their excuse is that you need to save some for other shoppers. Not sure where or why this can possibly fit into my shopping habits, but I can buy however many items I want and no problem but then if I have a coupon for those items I need to not buy them and save some for other customers?? Whatever!! So these 2 girls actually made me take 3 of these desserts and buy them on a different transaction. ONLY 3 ITEMS!! Hello who does that??!! Ok so this was one of the coupon frustrations!

My other one was Albertsons DOES NOT allow ANY coupons over $5. Can you believe this, now the manufacture will not only pay the store the full price for that $7.99 item but they also just screwwed me out of $2. I think after this first shopping experience with the major coupon usage and seeing exactly the way these stores work frustrates me A LOT, but I will still take advantage of the savings. Not only do these stores get our products for pennies on the dollars but they are also paid full price for any coupon they do not honor to the fullest from the customer also. GRRR!!

To say the least we did have fun getting our plan all together and acting on it. We learned a few things the hard way yet had a lot of fun shopping!! I hope all of you will take advantage of the coupons and save your family plenty of dollars and cents to live in the economy we are in today. Good Luck!!

What would you say?

1. Love is...something I could not live without.
2. Marriage is...for eternity!
3. Somewhere someone is thinking... damn she could have been mine. LOL!
4. I'm always...wishing I was debt free.
5. I have a secret cheesy crush on...Matthew Macon -a-hottie.
6. My cell phone... is always getting lost and the bad thing is it's on silent.
7. I've come to realize that my last kiss was...from my sweet baby and slobbery!
8. I am listening...to my hubby clean Hope's bathroom at 10:25pm. Crazy!
9. I talk...not enough to my sisters.
10. I love...reading, reading and books!!
11. My best friends are...my sisters and my itty brother.
12. My car is...FAST!!
13. My love life...is a blessing. I need to appreciate my hubby more for all he does. I love you Travis!!
14. I hate it when people...don't use a blinker and are talking on their phone while driving.
15. When I wake up in the morning...I love the silence and darkness.
16. When I go to bed at night...I love reading a book til I fall asleep.
17. Right now I'm thinking about...Khristapher and how I miss him being gone for the week.
18. Babies are...beautiful and such a great blessing to our family, I want more.
19. Tonight I will...tell Travis how much I appreciate him and how blessed I am to have the best husband on this green earth!
20. I really want to...be debt free and be a stay at home mom again.

What is a hole?

We all know a hole as a dip in the ground one of the kids dug for a truck to utilize, what you put your earrings in, the entrance where you put your foot into your shoe, a place where a dog saves that yummy bone for later, the small place in the middle of a CD, the opening to light a smelly candle, or as Khristapher says what's between your cheeks (lol), etc. So you get the idea of what a hole is and many places where they are to be and it's ok, but let me tell you where this "hole" poses a problem: IN MY HEART!!

After checking into the cardiologists office this morning we sat in the lobby for about 25 minutes. I read a book as Travis and the 2 small boys looked out the window at all the cars in the hospital parking lot. I was then called back to start my "bubble test" as she called it. As she starts with the IV for the test she asks which arm would you like it in? Hmm, as I look at them both all bruised from the weeks of many pokes, I just tell her to take the right since just 2 days ago the left was a bit bruised from the last IV.

As she starts this test and the IV is all in she puts this funky bar looking hat on my head that will monitor the bubbles that reach my head from the hole within my heart. As she finds the path on my head she tightens the little bars until this is feeling like an overly tight pony tail. The next thing is to push some saline through the IV into my heart, then to shake up the IV with some bubbles and then push that through the IV as I bare down (as if I am going #2), and then the last one was as she pushed the saline through I was to blow into a tube as if I was blowing up a balloon.

Now these sound really easy but have you ever tried blowing up a balloon that just wouldn't blow no matter how hard you tried and your head kinda started hurting? Or have you ever tried to bare down and not let anything out, not even a fart in front of others? It wasn't that easy it actually made my head hurt worse than it already was. (I know, nothing knew for a chronic pain/migraine patient right?)

She took the IV out and the head set off, wrapped my arm up as it bled profusely (as I am on aspirin to thin my blood so it is a less chance of blood clots forming and traveling to my brain) and then took us back to the waiting room for another 25 minutes. Thank goodness I had a book to partially keep my mind off of things for a minute or two. The nurse opens the door and invites us back again to another room. The way she starts in on the conversation I knew things were not good. She tells me how things will work for a heart surgery to happen and what I would need to take and do "if" the doctor feels this is the right path. Tells me he'll be in our room in a few moments.

Ok so the longest few moments later (30 min.) doctor comes in and immediately tells me I am very high risk for strokes and that he needs to give me some results to weigh my options at this time. **SCARED** On a scale from 1 (being pin size hole) to 5 (being very large hole) I rate at a high 5. I also have 3 white lesions on my brain from 3 minor strokes, and the extreme migraines that I have weekly put me at a very good position of getting things taken care of now before anything else happens that could cause permanent damage to my heart.

Even after this day is about to end I am still in awe and not really believing, I guess you could say, that I am scheduled to have heart surgery, due to the hole in my heart, at the end of June. I am so scared and stressed at the same time I don't think I can even think positive right now. I know many have told me to and give me time and I will get stronger but right now I am going to cry and cry and cry until I can't cry anymore and wait for my last two tests results to come back and just pray they are of good news and not bad this time around.

I am a little scattered brained and a nervous stressed wreck right now so if this is a bit scattered and hard to understand believe me that is how I am feeling and thinking on the inside also. Until I can think again I am off to rest, it's been a very long day.

Do you ever wonder what's NEXT?

I am starting to wonder what can possibly be next. I have finished another week of doctors and testing along with some very scary results. First, I followed up with my balance and hearing therapist who worked with and taught me a few skills to work on with stress, relaxing and ME time. (this will have to be another blog) But as she was doing the testing for 2 hours she reiterated the Nystagmus within my eyes and that we have small exercises to help with this but it will not cure it, it's main goal is to help it from not getting worse which would cause surgery and such, so we will continue to work hard on that one. She also gave me more results after a few short tests that my front neck muscles have been damaged and are not working as a normal muscle should work, making my back neck muscles work extra hard adding unnecessary strain to my nerves adding to the neck nerve damage. (did that make sense, cuz it all is spinning in my head and I am having a hard time comprehending it all also).

Anyways after Wednesday comes Thursday and Thursday brings me to another doctor visit and more results not really wanting to hear. This was my cardio exam, due to the black outs I have started having, to check for any stroke activity or signs of things to worry about. Oh I now have things to worry about alright!! Went through the whole hour testing to be led to another room to have a nurse come and talk to me about the results. Um, can I say SCARY!! We sat about 15 minutes in this little room with a cold drink they offered to us, which led me to believe something else was wrong. After our wait a great nurse came in and she discussed a few things about the heart and then gave me some results. I have a hole in my heart which is called "Patent Foramen Ovale" or (PFO). I can try to explain in a few words best I can.

While we are babies we all have a small flap within our heart that allows the blood flow from right to left as it creates the two upper chambers (atria) of the heart. At about 18 months this fuses together and we no longer have a hole within our heart it will now be two separate chambers for the blood to flow into the right side, into our lungs to be filtered, then to the left side clean and pure and off to the rest of our bodies including our brain.

Well with this hole within my heart it is having blood enter the right side and a large portion going the correct way and a small portion going the wrong way. Now with the portion that is just going from the right side leaking through the hole to the left side it is not only unfiltered but it can also have a clot within it and travel to my brain causing me to have a stroke. This may or may not be the reason adding to my migraines, but we will soon find out. I am now diagnosed with being a very high risk stroke patient and will be watched and monitored often.

It doesn't stop at this. . . .we have to return to the cardiologist on Friday, May 29th to have an additional test done to view how large the hole is within my heart. Depending on what is said and how big the hole is I may or may not be in for open heart surgery within the next month or so. If it is not significant enough of a hole I will continue to take meds to thin my blood, be on a high risk stroke list and also be checked to make sure the hole is not growing that will make surgery happen also.

When I left the hospital today I felt so alone even as I walked next to Travis and the two babies. I felt like crying and screaming because of the news I was just given, yet I felt I needed to be the strong one and keep it all together and not cause any additional stress than what we were both feeling at the time. Travis immediately suggested we up my life insurance and get things written down of what, where, when if something does happen when we least expect it.

This is all so crazy to me that I feel like I am in a dream half the time and I just can't wake up to see the light of day again. Some days I feel as if I am numb, like I am just here yet I am really not. Do you just grin and bare it and continue to the doctors only to hear another bad result? I know keep my chin up, be strong, this is just something I have to go through to make me stronger . . . to hell with that do you really know what it feels like? Do we ever just stop and think of how others may feel? Do we realize some of us (ME) are not as strong as others (possibly YOU) to go through all the stress to learn a lesson?

I will continue to fight and be as strong as I can BUT I can NOT guarantee that I will be my best at times. I cry, sulk, be ornery, get mad, cry some more, wish I had someone by my side to give me support, cry again and try to smile to push my pain and stress away to take care of my family like I should be doing. I will wait a week and give more results then. I will continue to pray for the best as I hope you will with me also. Until then I will get on the life insurance for my babies.

More Results

I guess I really should blog more often if I have this much to say lol. I couldn't end the day without writing down the new results to date about my head. I visited the neurologist on Friday and did a few new tests and also have quite a few more scheduled. Life is crazy but it will be like that as I go through all my testing to get some relief. So besides the nerve damage within the sides of my head and the Nystagmus within my eyes, I also have Occipital Neuralgia. This is just the beginning of the tests though.

So here is a little in site on what this entails: Occipital Neuralgia is a chronic pain disorder caused by irritation or injury to the occipital nerve located in the back of the scalp. Individuals with the disorder experience pain originating at the nape of the neck.

When she did the tests to find these results it was extremely painful. She does a few exercises testing my bodies reflexes all over and then tests different muscles in my neck and head. I came into the office having a good pain day (if there really is such a thing) and left hurting needing to take drugs again. All day up to the time I came into her office I had the worst anxiety, stressing about all the different things that she could say to me and because I had to go in all by myself. Yes I am a baby and want someones hand to give me support.

She gave me some new meds to try for pain and get me to sleep better, than gave me a prescription that is a cream and works to numb yet help the damaged nerves in the back of my head to not cause the pain to get so bad.

We are next off to a MRA of the head and neck at the end of the month and then also a EEG of the head to see how the neurons are all transmitting in there. Kinda complicated but as I get all the information/results from my tests back I will then do my best to update them on my site. So if there is anyone out there ready to stay up all night with me in order for me to take this test correctly with no sleep let me know, lol. By the way I was told an MRA is different from a MRI as it reads what the brain is doing and how it is reacting and working, as a MRI only shows the masses within the brain. Kinda scary, but I am ready to find some relief.

Crazy Hair Day

Our kids had spirit week at their school a few weeks ago. One of the days was to have crazy hair. I got up to help them try to be the craziest, here are some of their pictures.
Khristapher had a separated ponytail Mohawk and Hope had fuzzy little ponytails everywhere.

They really had a lot of fun being CRAZY!!

Yes, Khristapher had enough little hairs to put in a few ponytails. lol

Just A Thought

Each life is so precious and so fragile.

Each life, each breath, each moment is a gift.

At any given moment our lives can change.

We simply must make the most of this moment now

And fill it with all the love we can.

Today I have only today. Tomorrow is only a hope.

Yesterday is but a dream.

I must live today to realize the hope that tomorrow's

Yesterday will be a pleasant dream.

My Sister, My Best Friend!

Yes, you are my sister;

This is very true.

But I also found my best friend;

Tucked inside of you.

I cherish the time we're together;

And miss you when we're apart.

I guess it's cause you're my sister;

And you're forever in my heart.

All the memories I have of us;

Will forever be apart of me.

They're tucked inside my heart and mind;

Where no one else can see.

You'll always be a part of my life;

A part no one can touch.

All because God made us sisters;

And I love you very much.

-betty hawkins

Matthew turns "3"

WOW!! Time does go fast when you're locking everything up, shutting all the doors, searching the trash can for all your missing items, yelling to stop the baby from getting hurt, etc. Oh I mean watching our two year old grow big and have silly comments all the time. Here are just a few things that will make you laugh about this sweet blond boy we live with (now don't get me wrong he is definitely the ideal "2" year old in EVERY way, but maybe being 3 will be different!!) He has always been the star in his daddy's eyes and can schmooze over the dad for anything he wants.
Three years ago we were sitting in a delivery room having our third little blessing and out pops our Matthew. It was such a great delivery that I told Travis how I wish we could have a million more babies. You would sleep all the time, not cry, be a very happy boy, but then somewhere along the way someone gave you an attitude, wow did that change me from really wanting anymore kids (good thing I was already prego with baby #4). You are silly in so many ways! Including when you get mad and you stick your tongue out one side of your mouth, turn your head to the side and act as if you were dead. lol

We have a 20 gallon fish tank with about 4 fish in it (now), but to Matthew he believes that Swedish fish (the little red candies) belong with the American fish (the little fishies really swimming around). He also believes these fish need toilet paper and he is always there to save them with a net when he thinks they are dead from all the abuse, I mean care he has given them, lol.

When we are watching a movie and anyone needs to get up for anything they always ask for it to be paused so they don't miss out on the movie, well little Mr. Matthew does the same thing, "Dad, cause the movie, I need to get my cars." (saying cars in his little New York accent). We have told him numerous times it is PAUSE but he continues to say CAUSE. When he comes back from doing what he needs to do he again tells his dad, ok cause the movie, instead of play.

Our little boy, has so many traits it is unbelievable. He is the sweetest, well mannered 2 year old ever! Honest he is! BUT he can also be the most horrendously BIG monster on the block with the worst attitude. He is always the one to say please and thank you, reminds everyone else to thank whomever made the meal, or bought him a gift or treat. He refuses to share his toys but when he wants help with something you need to do it NOW and he politely says thank you. If you have not seen this character in action you have definitely missed out!

This sweet "3" year old has the greatest smile and loves to laugh. When you ever hear the terms that laughing is contagious it is sooo true when it comes to Matthew. He will be in the car with baby Ashton in the back also and do some goofy thing to make Ash laugh and then continue to belly laugh from there. If you are not wanting to laugh you will listening to him it is hilarious.

Matthew has his best friend Hope and when she is gone to school his life is doomed til she arrives home again. She is all he talks about and what they will do when she gets home. Her name to him is "Sissy", unless of course he needs to tattle and then it becomes "HOPE" (that's screaming her name by the way).

We have certainly been blessed with this boy in our family!! He is such a great blessing 95% of the time and the other 5% of the time a HUGE trial. We have definitely learned a lot raising this boy. Not only from the terrible 2's but the many times we just sit and laugh at all the things this child comes up with. If I could only write down everything he says when he says it I would have a book of laughs for the rest of our lives to remember.

Some of the things Matthew likes and loves is as follows: to bite, have an attitude when he doesn't get his own way, Popsicle's, outside, his brudda (brother), sissy, cats, fish and giving them all that we have in life, being with his daddy, Elmo, Car Cars, trucks, taking baths, swimming, drawing in reading books, his monkey that talks, playing the computer, lining up ALL the cars and trucks throughout the house (we do not own the floor or have space for anything due to all the cars parked everywhere), torturing his baby brother, testing his mom to the limits, throwing things that he can't get to work in the garbage (assuming they are broken, like both of our cameras), going to the store.

Some things Matthew doesn't like: doing things when he is told to do them, learning to potty train, sitting down at the dinner table, being quiet, leaving his baby brother alone, his dad leaving without him, being without a book, pen or something to draw on, not having a Pepsi (Sprite) when his dad gets one, when someone tries to help him.

These are just a few things he likes and dislikes, but he has many other things I just can't think of. Mommy and Daddy love you so much Bubba! Life would NOT be the same without you in it. Even though you have thrown a lot of valuable things away and put many things in the cart at the store that we never knew you threw in there, we would never trade you! We have learned a lot from you in these short years together and plan on learning tons more from you in the years to come. Happy Birthday big boy it has been a delight being your mom and dad.

Sleep? What's that?

Ok so MOST of us get a reasonable amount of sleep and wake up feeling refreshed. Um, I can't remember when I last slept for more than 3 hours solid. Baby Ashton is not a sleeping baby at all!! He is a very good baby don't get me wrong BUT he also likes to whine and cry ALL the time, even in his sleep. Yes, he still sleeps in our bed (no comments please!!), we have never let the older two a day in their sweet little lives sleep in our bed but after losing a baby before the younger two came along changed something in us as parents and we have let these two sleep with us. Now most nights are just fine, did I mention that was with Matthew, lol. Ashton on the other hand is a whiner even in his sleep. Now mind you, I have many nights put him in his little bed next to ours and he has slept for an hour or two, but as soon as he has whined I put him in bed with us cuz I would rather have a little bit of sleep before 3am than to have none at all. Well last night he was sleeping so peacefully and I thought "wow are we going to get lucky" and as soon as I even had that thought I woke up to make sure he was still breathing and poor baby had a huge fever of 102*. I was so scared that I had to wake up Travis to get the thermometer and Tylenol and move baby to make sure he was coherent. Oh what a night it was from there. I am thankful that I woke him up as he was so out of it that I was scared! I did not go to work as this with any of my kids would make it a day that MOMS SHOULD BE HOME - REGARDLESS!!! Good thing I had one vacation day left, and it was approved! From this moment on until even as I write this our little baby is still whining and in pain from who knows what that it has left me wondering .... Sleep? What's that? I think he may be having a really hard time teething but I cannot for the life of me break his fever. This morning he was so lethargic that I have had to force him to intake liquids and stay hydrated. Babies make things so hard for me due to not being able to tell me how I can help them and it really doesn't matter how many kids you have you still can't guess. Tonight he is doing ok and we have not had to go to the hospital as of yet and I pray that we don't have to at all. As for the whining . . . it is still going strong even when I have gotten him to fall asleep for a minute. lol Sweet baby, mommy will go days without sleep if that's what it takes to keep you comforted.

Tests and more tests

So after the whole 7 week ordeal of extreme pain and medications and misery and hating everything around me I have been to see another Dr. only to be told to see another Dr. So I head out to the specialist who is going to test for the crazy Vertigo I deal with and see what we can do to try and get rid of it or minimize it if possible. I show up at the Hearing and Balancing office for my visit. As I am waiting in the lobby I look around and think "hmm, I look a bit to young to already be in this office" *sigh*
Then it's my turn. I walk back to an office and have a sit, answer a few questions before we get started on the testing and then put some goggles on. Now these are special goggles that only the nurse can see everything about my eyes and the inside of them on a screen while I am watching a small red dot bounce around the black wall. This test goes on for about 5 minutes and then we are done. (Now I was having a good day before I came here, meaning no excruciating migraine or sickness to endure today.)
Then we did a few other tests and then on to the ear tests. We start with cool air blowing deep inside my ear (as my head is spinning around a thousand times like when we were kids playing and twisting on a swing only to untwist to not be as dizzy in the end, if you remember those days.) and then I have to try and focus as she keeps my attention so I don't hurl from being so sick and dizzy. At this point I am doomed!! I am so sick and ready to vomit that I can't even hold still on the testing table. She asks me if I'm alright, "oh of course I am, go ahead" (I'm a bad liar). Then on to the warm air blowing deep inside my ears. By this time I am really really sick and want to be done and just walk out the door, but I'm way to shy to do that so I stay for more torture tests.
Next test I am in for the monitors placed on certain neck muscles to give a reading as I lift only my head off the table like 50 times, (I got a great abs workout that day!) We get all done doing these tests and I am just ready to run and find the closest toilet to be my new friend. Ok so I really did focus and she calmed me down so she could talk to me about the testing.
Now is where I am ready to be sick . . . the results. She tells me I have Vertical Nystagmus. In normal eyes they look straight with no movement, in mine they beat upwards, which is causing my vertigo, or adding to it she says. Then also she explains that the nerve that connects your ears, eyes and brain and has a certain task to do with messaging is damaged and my brain is sending off bad signals. Nothing is wrong with my hearing (thank goodness, of course unless you're talking to me LOL), but the nerve damage is affecting the way my brain is telling my body to accept medicine for pain.
First of all the damage was done by one of three things or multiple things: childhood head trauma (abuse or car accident when I was a teen), medications that have been taken within the course of my painful life, or migraines. Kinda odd to think that migraines would cause this damage, but it could be possible.
Now when she explained the nerve damage she said it was caused by one of these things and the bad signals being sent out are not allowing my body to accept medication as a way to fight pain. So say Travis has a migraine and he takes my pills I have been given, he will be relieved of the pain and also probably fall asleep until tomorrow. Yet when I take the same pill it may lessen the pain I am enduring by a few notches but will not relieve me of the burdensome pain as it does him and surely has not allowed me to go to sleep at all!!
With this nerve damage it is like a virus she says and is slowly attacking my central nervous system creating other parts of my body to randomly hurt. It will, in the future, slowly erase my memory, causing me to have early Alzheimer's at a young age.
As we are talking and discussing options of what I am to do for all this, she then tells me I need to see other specialists to take a bigger look into the picture and make sure nothing else is wrong. I have already had an MRI and Dr. said it was clean (makes me wonder), but now I am scheduled for a Physical Therapist for my eye issue and what to do from here and then onto a neurologist for the "crazy" head issues.
From here all it is is a big wait for another test and another Dr., but the biggest wait for me is when will the pain ever stop?? I know I hear all the time "change your diet", "exercise", etc. Well when you are in as much pain as I am everyday I barely even eat and when I do I'm lucky for whatever I can get, but I have cut out soda, sugar and salt (for those of you wanting to suggest that option). As for exercise, ya that's funny that you even mention that to me when I can barely get out of bed some days because I am so sick and nauseous. Or why even exercise when that adds to my migraines, um no thanks! I do try to walk but I can only do that for a little bit as I start getting light headed as if I just got done running a 6 mile race.
Some days I wonder if God really hates me, and I know I should have more faith and believe this is my path in life but why do I have to go from childhood abuse to life long pain?? This is NOT making me stronger it is actually weakening me more than any trial I have ever endured. But until someone walks in my path and feels my pain I feel everyday, not only the headaches but the random body pain, I really have a hard time telling you how I feel when I hurt. If you look at me I look normal but if you were to be inside my body and head you would see and feel a completely different Kelly that has to struggle to make it a good day. These last 2 months have been the worst in my whole life!! So if you wonder where I am or call my house to talk . . . I am home but not answering I am just trying to take care of myself along with the family that is my responsibility also.
Pain doesn't stop when you have a baby crying or a family that is hungry! I do thank God every day for the wonderful husband I have been blessed with! If it wasn't for him by my side I don't think I would be here writing this. Thank you Travis! You are God's greatest gift to me and my kids!!