Thursday, July 23, 2009

My PFO surgery. . . .

I am 33 have had 3 small strokes in the past 3 months due to extreme migraines and chronic head pain I live with everyday. I went to the cardiologist to have things tested with my heart make sure things were going as they should. Come to find out I have a hole the size of a lime in my heart. I immediately became the perfect candidate for a PFO. Within minutes, I was scheduled to come back within 4 weeks to have this surgery done and see what results came of it. I was told that I would not feel or remember anything and it was a really quick surgery and a one night stay and a few medicines I will go home with. Ok I was scared to go on with the surgery (I mean who isn't when you know someone is messing with your main vein and heart).

On June 30th 2009, I got my kids all taken care of and off to the hospital me and Travis went. I was already scared to even be there and then it got worse when the Dr. was behind and I had to sit for another 2 hours waiting. UGH! The IV in my hand was scary within itself (never had one even when I had given birth to 4 babies). Then when I was wheeled into the surgery room it was freezing and I was alone with all these strangers. The nurse talked to me a little bit, but I had the worst migraine (topping any chart) that it was really hard to concentrate. They scrubbed me up half my belly, and thigh with a blue stain (makes you look like a smurf) then they gave me the medicine in my IV that is suppose to be the "wonder" drug of all drugs to make you forget and feel calm. Well it really made me feel calm but I never forgot anything and still felt my head pain.

They started the numbing of the leg and that hurt like a bit of a bee sting and then I was numb I guess. I didn't feel anything until . . . WOW!! They hit the right side of my inner chest thru the main vein (thought I wasn't suppose to be feeling this?) I said something to them and I guess they upped the IV med a bit. Then WOW!! They had just moved onto the middle of my chest man that hurt and then WOW!! they must have just hit the heart. Now when I say this hurts and I can feel it I CAN FEEL IT!! They gave me a bit more drugs in my IV. Now my body does not take medicine like a normal persons body does. If you were to take some narcotic it would probably wipe you out and you would go to sleep, see ya in the morning type thing. Ok me? Um NO! I get a notch or two of pain relief and just deal with the rest of the pain. Medicine really doesn't take in my body.

Well they finished up, took me to the recovery room, and then after a few poking and prodding took me to my over night room. I really couldn't feel anymore chest pain but man did my head hurt still!! I finally took a sleeping pill and was out. Since the surgery I guess due to the Plavix you are given to take for a period of time I bruise deep black and blue bruises, looks like I am abused or something. You never really realize how much you hit yourself or things that hit you leave a mark until now. My leg is extremely sensitive and bruised at the sight.

After all is said and done, if you deal with Migraines 1, 2, or 18 a month like I do, I would recommend you have this PFO surgery in a heart beat!! Even if you pay the hospital bill $25 a month for the rest of your life, nothing will ever compare to having a day without pain like I have been given!!! I dealt with minor headaches everyday to up to 4 migraines a week, and I mean the extreme, puke your guts out, lay in a black room and hush your kids to a mute silence household migraine. Now I think in the 30 days I have had maybe 2 migraines but not the extreme ones I was having.
I have had really hard time in my life not wanting to be here a few times due to constant pain and if I can reach any one out there that deals with migraines or you read this and tell someone about it, I will be so happy to tell you JUST DO IT!!! You will NOT regret it! It will be scary til your done but it is SO WORTH IT!!! Don't listen to your neurologist who says it will have nothing to do with your migraines, I am living proof OH YES IT DOES!!
I would do it all over again (even to go thru the chest pain I had during surgery and the many days I cried before scared and after cuz my leg hurt). I wish you all who have migraines the best of luck and that you will find the comfort of a pain free day like I have. I never thought this day would come!!

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Well I jumped into the extreme coupon world and it is a lot of fun yet frustrating at the same time. We did save TONS which was awesome for our budget and will allow us to shop more if need be. We spent a total of about $210 on all these groceries: 14 boxes cereal, 10 boxes fruit snacks, 8 boxes chex granola bars, 3 bags chex mix, 6 jars pasta sauce, 4 jars alfredo sauce, 4 bottles snapples, 1 box suddenly salad, 1 pkg. Soliel razors, 1 box capri sun, 2 jars roasted honey peanut butter, 4 tubs frosting, BUT only paid $69.79 WOW!!
This was our second trip but we didn't get a photo of the first to post so we thought this would do for show. We not only used the in-store sales but also the coupons we had on hand. I think the frustrating part of it all is the checkers don't really want to utilize the coupons when you have more than say 6 coupons, it takes up their time. Yet they would be standing there whether I had coupons or not! This trip was to Albertsons. We also made a different trip to Walmart which in the very end of scanning all my coupons they decided they were going to have a fit. I bought 6 desserts and had a valid coupon for each one of them. Now get this: I am able to buy as many things of one item that I want to BUT when it comes to you having a coupon for all those items all the sudden their excuse is that you need to save some for other shoppers. Not sure where or why this can possibly fit into my shopping habits, but I can buy however many items I want and no problem but then if I have a coupon for those items I need to not buy them and save some for other customers?? Whatever!! So these 2 girls actually made me take 3 of these desserts and buy them on a different transaction. ONLY 3 ITEMS!! Hello who does that??!! Ok so this was one of the coupon frustrations!
My other one was Albertsons DOES NOT allow ANY coupons over $5. Can you believe this, now the manufacture will not only pay the store the full price for that $7.99 item but they also just screwwed me out of $2. I think after this first shopping experience with the major coupon usage and seeing exactly the way these stores work frustrates me A LOT, but I will still take advantage of the savings. Not only do these stores get our products for pennies on the dollars but they are also paid full price for any coupon they do not honor to the fullest from the customer also. GRRR!!
To say the least we did have fun getting our plan all together and acting on it. We learned a few things the hard way yet had a lot of fun shopping!! I hope all of you will take advantage of the coupons and save your family plenty of dollars and cents to live in the economy we are in today. Good Luck!!

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

What would you say?

1. Love is...something I could not live without.
2. Marriage is...for eternity!
3. Somewhere someone is thinking... damn she could have been mine. LOL!
4. I'm always...wishing I was debt free.
5. I have a secret cheesy crush on...Matthew Macon -a-hottie.
6. My cell phone... is always getting lost and the bad thing is it's on silent.
7. I've come to realize that my last kiss was...from my sweet baby and slobbery!
8. I am my hubby clean Hope's bathroom at 10:25pm. Crazy!
9. I talk...not enough to my sisters.
10. I love...reading, reading and books!!
11. My best friends sisters and my itty brother.
12. My car is...FAST!!
13. My love a blessing. I need to appreciate my hubby more for all he does. I love you Travis!!
14. I hate it when people...don't use a blinker and are talking on their phone while driving.
15. When I wake up in the morning...I love the silence and darkness.
16. When I go to bed at night...I love reading a book til I fall asleep.
17. Right now I'm thinking about...Khristapher and how I miss him being gone for the week.
18. Babies are...beautiful and such a great blessing to our family, I want more.
19. Tonight I will...tell Travis how much I appreciate him and how blessed I am to have the best husband on this green earth!
20. I really want debt free and be a stay at home mom again.

Friday, May 29, 2009

What is a hole?

We all know a hole as a dip in the ground one of the kids dug for a truck to utilize, what you put your earrings in, the entrance where you put your foot into your shoe, a place where a dog saves that yummy bone for later, the small place in the middle of a CD, the opening to light a smelly candle, or as Khristapher says what's between your cheeks (lol), etc. So you get the idea of what a hole is and many places where they are to be and it's ok, but let me tell you where this "hole" poses a problem: IN MY HEART!!
After checking into the cardiologists office this morning we sat in the lobby for about 25 minutes. I read a book as Travis and the 2 small boys looked out the window at all the cars in the hospital parking lot. I was then called back to start my "bubble test" as she called it. As she starts with the IV for the test she asks which arm would you like it in? Hmm, as I look at them both all bruised from the weeks of many pokes, I just tell her to take the right since just 2 days ago the left was a bit bruised from the last IV.
As she starts this test and the IV is all in she puts this funky bar looking hat on my head that will monitor the bubbles that reach my head from the hole within my heart. As she finds the path on my head she tightens the little bars until this is feeling like an overly tight pony tail. The next thing is to push some saline through the IV into my heart, then to shake up the IV with some bubbles and then push that through the IV as I bare down (as if I am going #2), and then the last one was as she pushed the saline through I was to blow into a tube as if I was blowing up a balloon.
Now these sound really easy but have you ever tried blowing up a balloon that just wouldn't blow no matter how hard you tried and your head kinda started hurting? Or have you ever tried to bare down and not let anything out, not even a fart in front of others? It wasn't that easy it actually made my head hurt worse than it already was. (I know, nothing knew for a chronic pain/migraine patient right?)
She took the IV out and the head set off, wrapped my arm up as it bled profusely (as I am on aspirin to thin my blood so it is a less chance of blood clots forming and traveling to my brain) and then took us back to the waiting room for another 25 minutes. Thank goodness I had a book to partially keep my mind off of things for a minute or two. The nurse opens the door and invites us back again to another room. The way she starts in on the conversation I knew things were not good. She tells me how things will work for a heart surgery to happen and what I would need to take and do "if" the doctor feels this is the right path. Tells me he'll be in our room in a few moments.
Ok so the longest few moments later (30 min.) doctor comes in and immediately tells me I am very high risk for strokes and that he needs to give me some results to weigh my options at this time. **SCARED** On a scale from 1 (being pin size hole) to 5 (being very large hole) I rate at a high 5. I also have 3 white lesions on my brain from 3 minor strokes, and the extreme migraines that I have weekly put me at a very good position of getting things taken care of now before anything else happens that could cause permanent damage to my heart.
Even after this day is about to end I am still in awe and not really believing, I guess you could say, that I am scheduled to have heart surgery, due to the hole in my heart, at the end of June. I am so scared and stressed at the same time I don't think I can even think positive right now. I know many have told me to and give me time and I will get stronger but right now I am going to cry and cry and cry until I can't cry anymore and wait for my last two tests results to come back and just pray they are of good news and not bad this time around.
I am a little scattered brained and a nervous stressed wreck right now so if this is a bit scattered and hard to understand believe me that is how I am feeling and thinking on the inside also. Until I can think again I am off to rest, it's been a very long day.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Do you ever wonder what's NEXT?

I am starting to wonder what can possibly be next. I have finished another week of doctors and testing along with some very scary results. First, I followed up with my balance and hearing therapist who worked with and taught me a few skills to work on with stress, relaxing and ME time. (this will have to be another blog) But as she was doing the testing for 2 hours she reiterated the Nystagmus within my eyes and that we have small exercises to help with this but it will not cure it, it's main goal is to help it from not getting worse which would cause surgery and such, so we will continue to work hard on that one. She also gave me more results after a few short tests that my front neck muscles have been damaged and are not working as a normal muscle should work, making my back neck muscles work extra hard adding unnecessary strain to my nerves adding to the neck nerve damage. (did that make sense, cuz it all is spinning in my head and I am having a hard time comprehending it all also).
Anyways after Wednesday comes Thursday and Thursday brings me to another doctor visit and more results not really wanting to hear. This was my cardio exam, due to the black outs I have started having, to check for any stroke activity or signs of things to worry about. Oh I now have things to worry about alright!! Went through the whole hour testing to be led to another room to have a nurse come and talk to me about the results. Um, can I say SCARY!! We sat about 15 minutes in this little room with a cold drink they offered to us, which led me to believe something else was wrong. After our wait a great nurse came in and she discussed a few things about the heart and then gave me some results. I have a hole in my heart which is called "Patent Foramen Ovale" or (PFO). I can try to explain in a few words best I can.
While we are babies we all have a small flap within our heart that allows the blood flow from right to left as it creates the two upper chambers (atria) of the heart. At about 18 months this fuses together and we no longer have a hole within our heart it will now be two separate chambers for the blood to flow into the right side, into our lungs to be filtered, then to the left side clean and pure and off to the rest of our bodies including our brain.
Well with this hole within my heart it is having blood enter the right side and a large portion going the correct way and a small portion going the wrong way. Now with the portion that is just going from the right side leaking through the hole to the left side it is not only unfiltered but it can also have a clot within it and travel to my brain causing me to have a stroke. This may or may not be the reason adding to my migraines, but we will soon find out. I am now diagnosed with being a very high risk stroke patient and will be watched and monitored often.
It doesn't stop at this. . . .we have to return to the cardiologist on Friday, May 29th to have an additional test done to view how large the hole is within my heart. Depending on what is said and how big the hole is I may or may not be in for open heart surgery within the next month or so. If it is not significant enough of a hole I will continue to take meds to thin my blood, be on a high risk stroke list and also be checked to make sure the hole is not growing that will make surgery happen also.
When I left the hospital today I felt so alone even as I walked next to Travis and the two babies. I felt like crying and screaming because of the news I was just given, yet I felt I needed to be the strong one and keep it all together and not cause any additional stress than what we were both feeling at the time. Travis immediately suggested we up my life insurance and get things written down of what, where, when if something does happen when we least expect it.
This is all so crazy to me that I feel like I am in a dream half the time and I just can't wake up to see the light of day again. Some days I feel as if I am numb, like I am just here yet I am really not. Do you just grin and bare it and continue to the doctors only to hear another bad result? I know keep my chin up, be strong, this is just something I have to go through to make me stronger . . . to hell with that do you really know what it feels like? Do we ever just stop and think of how others may feel? Do we realize some of us (ME) are not as strong as others (possibly YOU) to go through all the stress to learn a lesson?
I will continue to fight and be as strong as I can BUT I can NOT guarantee that I will be my best at times. I cry, sulk, be ornery, get mad, cry some more, wish I had someone by my side to give me support, cry again and try to smile to push my pain and stress away to take care of my family like I should be doing. I will wait a week and give more results then. I will continue to pray for the best as I hope you will with me also. Until then I will get on the life insurance for my babies.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

More Results

I guess I really should blog more often if I have this much to say lol. I couldn't end the day without writing down the new results to date about my head. I visited the neurologist on Friday and did a few new tests and also have quite a few more scheduled. Life is crazy but it will be like that as I go through all my testing to get some relief. So besides the nerve damage within the sides of my head and the Nystagmus within my eyes, I also have Occipital Neuralgia. This is just the beginning of the tests though.
So here is a little in site on what this entails: Occipital Neuralgia is a chronic pain disorder caused by irritation or injury to the occipital nerve located in the back of the scalp. Individuals with the disorder experience pain originating at the nape of the neck.
When she did the tests to find these results it was extremely painful. She does a few exercises testing my bodies reflexes all over and then tests different muscles in my neck and head. I came into the office having a good pain day (if there really is such a thing) and left hurting needing to take drugs again. All day up to the time I came into her office I had the worst anxiety, stressing about all the different things that she could say to me and because I had to go in all by myself. Yes I am a baby and want someones hand to give me support.
She gave me some new meds to try for pain and get me to sleep better, than gave me a prescription that is a cream and works to numb yet help the damaged nerves in the back of my head to not cause the pain to get so bad.
We are next off to a MRA of the head and neck at the end of the month and then also a EEG of the head to see how the neurons are all transmitting in there. Kinda complicated but as I get all the information/results from my tests back I will then do my best to update them on my site. So if there is anyone out there ready to stay up all night with me in order for me to take this test correctly with no sleep let me know, lol. By the way I was told an MRA is different from a MRI as it reads what the brain is doing and how it is reacting and working, as a MRI only shows the masses within the brain. Kinda scary, but I am ready to find some relief.

Crazy Hair Day

Our kids had spirit week at their school a few weeks ago. One of the days was to have crazy hair. I got up to help them try to be the craziest, here are some of their pictures.
Khristapher had a separated ponytail Mohawk and Hope had fuzzy little ponytails everywhere.
They really had a lot of fun being CRAZY!!
Yes, Khristapher had enough little hairs to put in a few ponytails. lol

Just A Thought

Each life is so precious and so fragile.
Each life, each breath, each moment is a gift.
At any given moment our lives can change.
We simply must make the most of this moment now
And fill it with all the love we can.
Today I have only today. Tomorrow is only a hope.
Yesterday is but a dream.
I must live today to realize the hope that tomorrow's
Yesterday will be a pleasant dream.

My Sister, My Best Friend!

Yes, you are my sister;
This is very true.
But I also found my best friend;
Tucked inside of you.
I cherish the time we're together;
And miss you when we're apart.
I guess it's cause you're my sister;
And you're forever in my heart.
All the memories I have of us;
Will forever be apart of me.
They're tucked inside my heart and mind;
Where no one else can see.
You'll always be a part of my life;
A part no one can touch.
All because God made us sisters;
And I love you very much.
-betty hawkins

Matthew turns "3"

WOW!! Time does go fast when you're locking everything up, shutting all the doors, searching the trash can for all your missing items, yelling to stop the baby from getting hurt, etc. Oh I mean watching our two year old grow big and have silly comments all the time. Here are just a few things that will make you laugh about this sweet blond boy we live with (now don't get me wrong he is definitely the ideal "2" year old in EVERY way, but maybe being 3 will be different!!) He has always been the star in his daddy's eyes and can schmooze over the dad for anything he wants.
Three years ago we were sitting in a delivery room having our third little blessing and out pops our Matthew. It was such a great delivery that I told Travis how I wish we could have a million more babies. You would sleep all the time, not cry, be a very happy boy, but then somewhere along the way someone gave you an attitude, wow did that change me from really wanting anymore kids (good thing I was already prego with baby #4). You are silly in so many ways! Including when you get mad and you stick your tongue out one side of your mouth, turn your head to the side and act as if you were dead. lol
We have a 20 gallon fish tank with about 4 fish in it (now), but to Matthew he believes that Swedish fish (the little red candies) belong with the American fish (the little fishies really swimming around). He also believes these fish need toilet paper and he is always there to save them with a net when he thinks they are dead from all the abuse, I mean care he has given them, lol.
When we are watching a movie and anyone needs to get up for anything they always ask for it to be paused so they don't miss out on the movie, well little Mr. Matthew does the same thing, "Dad, cause the movie, I need to get my cars." (saying cars in his little New York accent). We have told him numerous times it is PAUSE but he continues to say CAUSE. When he comes back from doing what he needs to do he again tells his dad, ok cause the movie, instead of play.
Our little boy, has so many traits it is unbelievable. He is the sweetest, well mannered 2 year old ever! Honest he is! BUT he can also be the most horrendously BIG monster on the block with the worst attitude. He is always the one to say please and thank you, reminds everyone else to thank whomever made the meal, or bought him a gift or treat. He refuses to share his toys but when he wants help with something you need to do it NOW and he politely says thank you. If you have not seen this character in action you have definitely missed out!
This sweet "3" year old has the greatest smile and loves to laugh. When you ever hear the terms that laughing is contagious it is sooo true when it comes to Matthew. He will be in the car with baby Ashton in the back also and do some goofy thing to make Ash laugh and then continue to belly laugh from there. If you are not wanting to laugh you will listening to him it is hilarious.
Matthew has his best friend Hope and when she is gone to school his life is doomed til she arrives home again. She is all he talks about and what they will do when she gets home. Her name to him is "Sissy", unless of course he needs to tattle and then it becomes "HOPE" (that's screaming her name by the way).
We have certainly been blessed with this boy in our family!! He is such a great blessing 95% of the time and the other 5% of the time a HUGE trial. We have definitely learned a lot raising this boy. Not only from the terrible 2's but the many times we just sit and laugh at all the things this child comes up with. If I could only write down everything he says when he says it I would have a book of laughs for the rest of our lives to remember.
Some of the things Matthew likes and loves is as follows: to bite, have an attitude when he doesn't get his own way, Popsicle's, outside, his brudda (brother), sissy, cats, fish and giving them all that we have in life, being with his daddy, Elmo, Car Cars, trucks, taking baths, swimming, drawing in reading books, his monkey that talks, playing the computer, lining up ALL the cars and trucks throughout the house (we do not own the floor or have space for anything due to all the cars parked everywhere), torturing his baby brother, testing his mom to the limits, throwing things that he can't get to work in the garbage (assuming they are broken, like both of our cameras), going to the store.
Some things Matthew doesn't like: doing things when he is told to do them, learning to potty train, sitting down at the dinner table, being quiet, leaving his baby brother alone, his dad leaving without him, being without a book, pen or something to draw on, not having a Pepsi (Sprite) when his dad gets one, when someone tries to help him.
These are just a few things he likes and dislikes, but he has many other things I just can't think of. Mommy and Daddy love you so much Bubba! Life would NOT be the same without you in it. Even though you have thrown a lot of valuable things away and put many things in the cart at the store that we never knew you threw in there, we would never trade you! We have learned a lot from you in these short years together and plan on learning tons more from you in the years to come. Happy Birthday big boy it has been a delight being your mom and dad.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Sleep? What's that?

Ok so MOST of us get a reasonable amount of sleep and wake up feeling refreshed. Um, I can't remember when I last slept for more than 3 hours solid. Baby Ashton is not a sleeping baby at all!! He is a very good baby don't get me wrong BUT he also likes to whine and cry ALL the time, even in his sleep. Yes, he still sleeps in our bed (no comments please!!), we have never let the older two a day in their sweet little lives sleep in our bed but after losing a baby before the younger two came along changed something in us as parents and we have let these two sleep with us. Now most nights are just fine, did I mention that was with Matthew, lol. Ashton on the other hand is a whiner even in his sleep. Now mind you, I have many nights put him in his little bed next to ours and he has slept for an hour or two, but as soon as he has whined I put him in bed with us cuz I would rather have a little bit of sleep before 3am than to have none at all. Well last night he was sleeping so peacefully and I thought "wow are we going to get lucky" and as soon as I even had that thought I woke up to make sure he was still breathing and poor baby had a huge fever of 102*. I was so scared that I had to wake up Travis to get the thermometer and Tylenol and move baby to make sure he was coherent. Oh what a night it was from there. I am thankful that I woke him up as he was so out of it that I was scared! I did not go to work as this with any of my kids would make it a day that MOMS SHOULD BE HOME - REGARDLESS!!! Good thing I had one vacation day left, and it was approved! From this moment on until even as I write this our little baby is still whining and in pain from who knows what that it has left me wondering .... Sleep? What's that? I think he may be having a really hard time teething but I cannot for the life of me break his fever. This morning he was so lethargic that I have had to force him to intake liquids and stay hydrated. Babies make things so hard for me due to not being able to tell me how I can help them and it really doesn't matter how many kids you have you still can't guess. Tonight he is doing ok and we have not had to go to the hospital as of yet and I pray that we don't have to at all. As for the whining . . . it is still going strong even when I have gotten him to fall asleep for a minute. lol Sweet baby, mommy will go days without sleep if that's what it takes to keep you comforted.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Tests and more tests

So after the whole 7 week ordeal of extreme pain and medications and misery and hating everything around me I have been to see another Dr. only to be told to see another Dr. So I head out to the specialist who is going to test for the crazy Vertigo I deal with and see what we can do to try and get rid of it or minimize it if possible. I show up at the Hearing and Balancing office for my visit. As I am waiting in the lobby I look around and think "hmm, I look a bit to young to already be in this office" *sigh*
Then it's my turn. I walk back to an office and have a sit, answer a few questions before we get started on the testing and then put some goggles on. Now these are special goggles that only the nurse can see everything about my eyes and the inside of them on a screen while I am watching a small red dot bounce around the black wall. This test goes on for about 5 minutes and then we are done. (Now I was having a good day before I came here, meaning no excruciating migraine or sickness to endure today.)
Then we did a few other tests and then on to the ear tests. We start with cool air blowing deep inside my ear (as my head is spinning around a thousand times like when we were kids playing and twisting on a swing only to untwist to not be as dizzy in the end, if you remember those days.) and then I have to try and focus as she keeps my attention so I don't hurl from being so sick and dizzy. At this point I am doomed!! I am so sick and ready to vomit that I can't even hold still on the testing table. She asks me if I'm alright, "oh of course I am, go ahead" (I'm a bad liar). Then on to the warm air blowing deep inside my ears. By this time I am really really sick and want to be done and just walk out the door, but I'm way to shy to do that so I stay for more torture tests.
Next test I am in for the monitors placed on certain neck muscles to give a reading as I lift only my head off the table like 50 times, (I got a great abs workout that day!) We get all done doing these tests and I am just ready to run and find the closest toilet to be my new friend. Ok so I really did focus and she calmed me down so she could talk to me about the testing.
Now is where I am ready to be sick . . . the results. She tells me I have Vertical Nystagmus. In normal eyes they look straight with no movement, in mine they beat upwards, which is causing my vertigo, or adding to it she says. Then also she explains that the nerve that connects your ears, eyes and brain and has a certain task to do with messaging is damaged and my brain is sending off bad signals. Nothing is wrong with my hearing (thank goodness, of course unless you're talking to me LOL), but the nerve damage is affecting the way my brain is telling my body to accept medicine for pain.
First of all the damage was done by one of three things or multiple things: childhood head trauma (abuse or car accident when I was a teen), medications that have been taken within the course of my painful life, or migraines. Kinda odd to think that migraines would cause this damage, but it could be possible.
Now when she explained the nerve damage she said it was caused by one of these things and the bad signals being sent out are not allowing my body to accept medication as a way to fight pain. So say Travis has a migraine and he takes my pills I have been given, he will be relieved of the pain and also probably fall asleep until tomorrow. Yet when I take the same pill it may lessen the pain I am enduring by a few notches but will not relieve me of the burdensome pain as it does him and surely has not allowed me to go to sleep at all!!
With this nerve damage it is like a virus she says and is slowly attacking my central nervous system creating other parts of my body to randomly hurt. It will, in the future, slowly erase my memory, causing me to have early Alzheimer's at a young age.
As we are talking and discussing options of what I am to do for all this, she then tells me I need to see other specialists to take a bigger look into the picture and make sure nothing else is wrong. I have already had an MRI and Dr. said it was clean (makes me wonder), but now I am scheduled for a Physical Therapist for my eye issue and what to do from here and then onto a neurologist for the "crazy" head issues.
From here all it is is a big wait for another test and another Dr., but the biggest wait for me is when will the pain ever stop?? I know I hear all the time "change your diet", "exercise", etc. Well when you are in as much pain as I am everyday I barely even eat and when I do I'm lucky for whatever I can get, but I have cut out soda, sugar and salt (for those of you wanting to suggest that option). As for exercise, ya that's funny that you even mention that to me when I can barely get out of bed some days because I am so sick and nauseous. Or why even exercise when that adds to my migraines, um no thanks! I do try to walk but I can only do that for a little bit as I start getting light headed as if I just got done running a 6 mile race.
Some days I wonder if God really hates me, and I know I should have more faith and believe this is my path in life but why do I have to go from childhood abuse to life long pain?? This is NOT making me stronger it is actually weakening me more than any trial I have ever endured. But until someone walks in my path and feels my pain I feel everyday, not only the headaches but the random body pain, I really have a hard time telling you how I feel when I hurt. If you look at me I look normal but if you were to be inside my body and head you would see and feel a completely different Kelly that has to struggle to make it a good day. These last 2 months have been the worst in my whole life!! So if you wonder where I am or call my house to talk . . . I am home but not answering I am just trying to take care of myself along with the family that is my responsibility also.
Pain doesn't stop when you have a baby crying or a family that is hungry! I do thank God every day for the wonderful husband I have been blessed with! If it wasn't for him by my side I don't think I would be here writing this. Thank you Travis! You are God's greatest gift to me and my kids!!

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

"When is enough, enough?"

It starts with a simple headache while I am sleeping, progressing more intensely until I wake up. Now it is once again an extreme migraine with nausea, blurred vision, even blacking out. I take a pill for the nausea and quickly grab other pills with a can of Coke (only because this is what the emergency room will do and charge me $250.00) and try to gain control of my head pain. The Vertigo kicks in (again) and all I do is start spinning as if someone had spun me around in circles like when we were kids. I'm starting to think the dizziness you get from drinking when you are buzzed feels so much better than this!
Those who have pain can relate in why you start to become desperate in any way to find relief. Some drink the pain away, some get hooked on drugs and make the pain go away, some just try and live with it, while others don't live with it at all and just give up. It's not just a depressive thought in my head it's a "when does it ever end" thought. If you don't live with chronic pain and migraines everyday like some of us do it is very hard to understand. All you can think of is to tell that person "just be positive, it'll pass", "oh, I'm sorry", "hope you feel better", or better yet simply telling that person (in your own suttle words) "it's just in your head you're trying to get attention."
I could only wish that all could understand what I feel like in this state. It doesn't go away, it's real and consumes your EVERYTHING as a person!! The pain is so real it causes a lot more problems than you could ever imagine. I not only feel the sharp pain, dull pain, throbbing pain, feelings of my head in a vice, etc., but you also get VERY depressed (wanting to never leave my bed). I'm irritable at anyone and everyone around, nauseas and vomiting, uncontrollable crying when I least expect to have tears falling. Instead of praying for help and anything good, I start praying just to never wake up tomorrow.
Now you might think "well that sure is selfish of you to even think of that" but have you ever hurt so bad? Have you ever wondered why this is happening to you? Have you ever wondered if it ever ends? Have you ever stopped to wonder what that person is really going through, or how they feel?
It's extremely hard to be a happy, positive, thankful person and the mom or wife I should be when I hurt so bad that my whole world inside my thoughts are nothing but black! When I hurt so bad I don't stop to think of the kids and how I affect them, until I'm lying in bed crying because my pain is hurting them too from yelling and saying mean things to them. I don't stop to think they are just kids and they don't understand. My thoughts are all on the pain I am trying to endure.
Some days I think I'll just put on a smile and no one will know I am hurting or not allow someone to notice my pain, while inside, my head is throbbing so bad I can barely even concentrate or think clearly. The world around me still goes on, not that I am wanting it to stop for me, but instead wondering "WHY, why am I in constant pain, miserable and wanting to die while they have nothing to deal with?" Now these are my feelings and I know that everyone has something they deal with, but when you hurt so bad you don't stop to think about that. Nothing can even lighten the pain I feel everyday.
I spend my families food money just to pay another co-payment to see another Dr. and all they do is give another drug with yet another side effect to deal with. I can only wish that I was that other person who is happy and walks around as if they have nothing to deal with. I hate that others who don't know what chronic pain and migraines feel like can just say all the positive things as if it'll make it all better.
Why couldn't I be that person to have positive feelings and outlook on things? Why can't I be that person with the faith to get me through this? Instead here I sit crying, wondering why God would just allow all this pain and no answers to why I hurt so it can be dealt with if not fixed. This isn't a free agency issue, so why can't he take control? Is it because I don't pray and read scriptures with my family everyday? Is it because I don't go to church all the time like I should? Is it because I have made mistakes and this is punishment for not choosing the right? Is it because I'm not that sweet, perfect, loving mom/wife and I'm always angry and yelling? Does he even care and listen when I'm crying and begging day in and day out for some relief? I don't think he does! I feel like I am lost and I will never find my way back out of this black painful hole I have fell into. I will live here in misery forever!
How can I even think such things? What happen to the days like others when I was happy and pain free? Is that the option I'll never have again? Just like all the Utah signs say for depression (this can also apply to someone in so much pain with depression) "You wouldn't tell someone who has cancer to snap out of it would you?" or "You wouldn't tell someone with diabetes to get over it would you?" Then why is it so many others around me can quickly react or shake their heads or give snide remarks? Why is it when I'm not able to go to work than I'm accused of faking and just wanting an extra day off? Do you ever stop and think that if it was you in this much pain how you would react to the way others treated you? Maybe for once we should all stop and think of others before judging or making them feel worse than they do. If only I could explain exactly what and how I feel inside and how bad it hurts to never find relief or support.
As the day ends I've now consumed over 8 pills trying to find relief only to be in a more confused state of mind and still in pain. It's now 10pm, I lay on my pillow (mind you it is a $40 pillow especially made for comfort) and it feels like a brick. I try to move around and adjust, instead only finding a slightly soft spot to lay down. I listen as my family peacefully sleeps, some snoring, some talking and walking in their sleep. It is now midnight and I am still hurting only to start crying and praying again for it to stop even for a minute so I can sleep before I get up for work at 3:30am. I finally fall asleep at about 2:10am and the next thing I know it is time for work and I am now laying on the bathroom floor from passing out. My head hurts so bad!! It's just another day in the life of pain and no solution to this mess I live in. Where's the pills . . . . one for nausea, 2 for head pain, and 1 for Vertigo just to start the day! When is enough, ENOUGH??

Monday, February 9, 2009

What are you thankful for?

Is it the small things, the BIG things, the monetary things that you're thankful for? Well I would like to challenge you all to write down in your journals 10 things everyday what you are thankful for. Now there is one thing about your daily lists that you need to do: You can only write what you are thankful for once in the week, for ex. if you are thankful for birds on Monday you cannot say it again anytime that same week. By the end of your 7 day week you should have listed 70 new and different things nothing being the same.
I am thankful for . . . . .
1. My close/extended family and friends, especially Chad who makes me laugh over the simplest things on the internet.
2. My 5am job that allows me to pay less in childcare and my babies spend more time with Travis and I at home.
3. My sisters who are my BEST FRIENDS!!
4. Having the "greatest" babysitter on the face of this earth, I love her soo much!
5. For my health.
6. For the blue skies and fresh air we are blessed with each day.
7. For health benefits, bonuses and great pay at work.
8. The time I get to spend with my hubby and still love him more today than 17 yrs ago! He is still my best friend!
9. All the yummy meals my loving hubby builds for our family each day.
10. Being able to have healthy babies and to hear them giggle.

This is what I am thankful for this evening (and yes they are all different from what I was thankful for this morning even). Also I am thankful for YOU!!