Wednesday, July 28, 2010

I don't feel an ounce better!! You nor anyone else will ever know how much this evil drug has a hold on ones complete being...I am dizzy all day as if I am a wanna be drunk that NEVER gets to pass out, but instead endures each and every bit of this med to the core and every inch of my body. I dread going to sleep as the nightmares will only kick in and take over everything causing my heart to hurt, body to jolt and within that measly little 45 minutes I have been asleep then jolts me back to reality yet the nightmare is so real it leaves me checking the space in my room for the intruder. This medicine makes you feel all the control it has over you as I have now been off it for one week and only taking an Organic detox. I feel pain in every inch, pore, etc. of my body to the end of every limb, aching all night long as if it is a cruel evil bug stomping throughout my insides with a vengeance. I lay awake with only 45 minutes of sleep all night tossing and turning, crying at the pain...if only I could give into drugs or death this would be my only salvation!! Now how is this to turn out positive for me, I wonder. How am I to hold to my faith and trust that He is listening to my prayers, asking and pleading for relief of any sort to just hold me for once and stop the pain!?! My body not only hurts inch by inch, but also itches randomly. Can you itch it for any relief, NO!! It is like the itch is there yet it is not when you try to console that issue. Do I make sense when I write something down? Probably not but inside my head nothing makes sense. You are given only as much as you can handle? Well I can't handle anymore, it is not easy being in pain everyday of my life, nor is it easy trying to find relief in a world that don't understand the emotions that are involved in this trial I am in. I am not asking for someone to be there for me, of course not it is not their problem, but I will be a helluva lot more sympathetic to ones need that is in pain, emotionally or physically. I will show you I care from the bottom of my heart as I know how alone you will feel, as if no one is there for you nor do they care for you. It's not easy when you love someone sooo much, yet with the emotions they are the one you are hating the most. Why if God is listening to each and every prayer, begging to have the devil cast out of my thoughts and trying to destroy me as a person, why would He not help me or give me a salt grain of faith to go off of that he is there for me and listening? I am not perfect in my religion, or many other things that are expected of me, but if I was would you still want me? Probably not! Yet I am not striving to make it through anything for you, I am trying to strive for myself. I get discouraged by many comments that make me feel like I don't do anything right, or I am negative, but then I have to laugh when they express of having a trial or bad day that they don't give out their positive energy as I am not doing. Grr, I am soo frustrated that I can't spit out the words I want to say and make sense. I want to tell you everything yet I am wordless, but the words I do give don't even make sense. I'm done writing for today! I'm going to buy me a chair, I feel today this will make me happy! - Kelly 8)

Monday, July 19, 2010

Detoxing has begun

All I can do is try to let you in and understand how I feel. Do I expect you to, of course not. Do I want your sympathy, No! Do I need you to criticize me with your spiteful words when you feel you are better than me, Hell NO! You have no idea what I am going through. You live your life in a perfect world as if nothing else matters and I sure in the hell don't matter to you. You act and say that I do, but DO I? Don't even try to answer that, I don't even care. I sit here and try to tell you how I feel and you just say to be positive and it's not all that bad. I am the one making it to be the way things are. Yet do you stop for one minute and research the drug that I am taking? Do you stop for one minute and research or feel that pain I am really in? Or do you have it in your mind that I just make that up also? You think you know me yet you know nothing about me!! You don't know how many days and hours I sit and cry in pain. How many times I just wish life ended due to my life spinning out of control due to 24 hours of Vertigo, oh you don't even know what Vertigo feels like? Of course you don't in your perfect world why would you. You are quick to judge for all the things someone else has or hasn't done but you can't stop and think really what I am going through. The pills that once worked for that pain that gave me a little hope that there was light at the end of the tunnel have now changed a 360 degree turn around and I just can't stop like that. These are so addictive and have so many side effects to them that I am literally sick emotionally, physically and in every way I can explain to you. I have literally locked myself in my room everyday for 2 weeks. I don't answer the phones, the door, nothing. I have my kids lie to anyone that asks for me that I am sick (which is that really a lie) or that I am sleeping so I won't ever have to leave my room. I get dressed and sit back on the comfort of my bed. I know that if I am in the comfort of my blanket and pillow I can cuddle and cry at anytime and no one knows this. Did you know this? Of course not! Did you know that I do not sleep, and if I do it is when I should be at work, so this means I am either on medical leave or about to lose my job? Oh yes, stop whining as you say and be positive, stop bringing others down.
My head is spinning, I feel like I am going crazy, do you know what this really feels like? Do you think half the time I even make sense? No! You think I should explain things to you and I shouldn't have to do anything for you. I can't be positive like you want me to be, I hurt and have no support!!! I have to detox from this addictive medicine all alone, by myself. My husband has nothing to say when I need it the most, but what is it he is suppose to say? I have no friends, I don't want to go to church, why so I have to put on my fake face and act like nothing is wrong, and when I try to say something I am given the pity party attitude, like I am just another one of those people on the block that have issues, unlike YOU but also no one will understand like you don't either. I can't even write it to tell you how I feel or hurt or how I feel crazy or spin inside to make you understand what it is like. My sisters are too busy for me. They don't even talk to me at all. I have no support. I yell at my kids because I am annoyed at everything. I cry just because I am annoyed or because I yelled at them for being loud. I hate eating because it all makes me sick, but then why eat, it will make me fat and then I won't be tiny like the other girls around me or even like my sisters. But now you say what does this have to do with the issue... A LOT!! It's called, emotional issues that are found deep within and you think that are buried until your head is spinning and you are so alone that all you think of is HOW alone you really are. How you have no support, no friends, no sisters, you are so unattractive that your own husband wants nothing to do with you and when he does it is only because you have mentioned it to him. Your kids want to be somewhere else but with you at home. I have so much anxiety that it adds to my sickness. I am tired in the morning when I should be working. I can't even wake up within myself until about 4pm and then I am awake until about 2am. What the hell is wrong with me. I am so scared for the next few days/weeks while I have to detox from this medicine. I am not ok with all this and I do not care that all I am is to be positive. I understand the better you think and more positive vibes you bring on the more positive things are what are brought upon you, BUT I am pretty sure God himself knows what I am enduring right now and knows that this is not a positive thing I am enduring and he knows I am doing my best to get through this trial. Others may not think so, but YOU are not in my shoes and enduring MY trial. You are the one to judge my words, thoughts or what it is the way I think of this whole process. I am doing my best and you will never know how many times I have prayed in a day asking for guidance and help along with peace and the spirit to be with me to get through this safely. I am me and if you don't like the way I am or how things are said you can just keep your simple words to yourself. Not only are you blunt, but you are very spiteful and hurtful in all you say, whether you are pointing them towards one or many. Hearts are broken and I know you will go on still not caring and they will still hurt as if nothing matters. Tomorrow will come and the physical and emotional pain will surface ten fold and you will go on, it will forever remain as if I thought you cared and you really didn't. But no thanks! I will can only move forward and start a new day. - Kelly