So after the whole 7 week ordeal of extreme pain and medications and misery and hating everything around me I have been to see another Dr. only to be told to see another Dr. So I head out to the specialist who is going to test for the crazy Vertigo I deal with and see what we can do to try and get rid of it or minimize it if possible. I show up at the Hearing and Balancing office for my visit. As I am waiting in the lobby I look around and think "hmm, I look a bit to young to already be in this office" *sigh*
Then it's my turn. I walk back to an office and have a sit, answer a few questions before we get started on the testing and then put some goggles on. Now these are special goggles that only the nurse can see everything about my eyes and the inside of them on a screen while I am watching a small red dot bounce around the black wall. This test goes on for about 5 minutes and then we are done. (Now I was having a good day before I came here, meaning no excruciating migraine or sickness to endure today.)
Then we did a few other tests and then on to the ear tests. We start with cool air blowing deep inside my ear (as my head is spinning around a thousand times like when we were kids playing and twisting on a swing only to untwist to not be as dizzy in the end, if you remember those days.) and then I have to try and focus as she keeps my attention so I don't hurl from being so sick and dizzy. At this point I am doomed!! I am so sick and ready to vomit that I can't even hold still on the testing table. She asks me if I'm alright, "oh of course I am, go ahead" (I'm a bad liar). Then on to the warm air blowing deep inside my ears. By this time I am really really sick and want to be done and just walk out the door, but I'm way to shy to do that so I stay for more torture tests.
Next test I am in for the monitors placed on certain neck muscles to give a reading as I lift only my head off the table like 50 times, (I got a great abs workout that day!) We get all done doing these tests and I am just ready to run and find the closest toilet to be my new friend. Ok so I really did focus and she calmed me down so she could talk to me about the testing.
Now is where I am ready to be sick . . . the results. She tells me I have Vertical Nystagmus. In normal eyes they look straight with no movement, in mine they beat upwards, which is causing my vertigo, or adding to it she says. Then also she explains that the nerve that connects your ears, eyes and brain and has a certain task to do with messaging is damaged and my brain is sending off bad signals. Nothing is wrong with my hearing (thank goodness, of course unless you're talking to me LOL), but the nerve damage is affecting the way my brain is telling my body to accept medicine for pain.
First of all the damage was done by one of three things or multiple things: childhood head trauma (abuse or car accident when I was a teen), medications that have been taken within the course of my painful life, or migraines. Kinda odd to think that migraines would cause this damage, but it could be possible.
Now when she explained the nerve damage she said it was caused by one of these things and the bad signals being sent out are not allowing my body to accept medication as a way to fight pain. So say Travis has a migraine and he takes my pills I have been given, he will be relieved of the pain and also probably fall asleep until tomorrow. Yet when I take the same pill it may lessen the pain I am enduring by a few notches but will not relieve me of the burdensome pain as it does him and surely has not allowed me to go to sleep at all!!
With this nerve damage it is like a virus she says and is slowly attacking my central nervous system creating other parts of my body to randomly hurt. It will, in the future, slowly erase my memory, causing me to have early Alzheimer's at a young age.
As we are talking and discussing options of what I am to do for all this, she then tells me I need to see other specialists to take a bigger look into the picture and make sure nothing else is wrong. I have already had an MRI and Dr. said it was clean (makes me wonder), but now I am scheduled for a Physical Therapist for my eye issue and what to do from here and then onto a neurologist for the "crazy" head issues.
From here all it is is a big wait for another test and another Dr., but the biggest wait for me is when will the pain ever stop?? I know I hear all the time "change your diet", "exercise", etc. Well when you are in as much pain as I am everyday I barely even eat and when I do I'm lucky for whatever I can get, but I have cut out soda, sugar and salt (for those of you wanting to suggest that option). As for exercise, ya that's funny that you even mention that to me when I can barely get out of bed some days because I am so sick and nauseous. Or why even exercise when that adds to my migraines, um no thanks! I do try to walk but I can only do that for a little bit as I start getting light headed as if I just got done running a 6 mile race.
Some days I wonder if God really hates me, and I know I should have more faith and believe this is my path in life but why do I have to go from childhood abuse to life long pain?? This is NOT making me stronger it is actually weakening me more than any trial I have ever endured. But until someone walks in my path and feels my pain I feel everyday, not only the headaches but the random body pain, I really have a hard time telling you how I feel when I hurt. If you look at me I look normal but if you were to be inside my body and head you would see and feel a completely different Kelly that has to struggle to make it a good day. These last 2 months have been the worst in my whole life!! So if you wonder where I am or call my house to talk . . . I am home but not answering I am just trying to take care of myself along with the family that is my responsibility also.
Pain doesn't stop when you have a baby crying or a family that is hungry! I do thank God every day for the wonderful husband I have been blessed with! If it wasn't for him by my side I don't think I would be here writing this. Thank you Travis! You are God's greatest gift to me and my kids!!
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Hey Kelly Belly!
You have me feeling kind of bad for you! JK. I feel TERRIBLE for you! I couldn't fathom feeling so sick all the time on top of all the rest of my responsibilities. I have however had the same feeling of WHY me? WHERE is the reprieve? WHEN will it end?!?!?! And just when I thought I could take no more, much more was dished out. I have also had those same feelings of "am I being punished?" "Why is God doing this to me?" Now I can look back on those times of trials and realize that no, I am not being punished, but refined. Before my toughest trials, I had a testimony, I went to church, but I was more of a fence sitter than anything. I know NOW that what I went through was to bring me closer to God. I believe He needed me to be stronger so that I could be a better servant in His kingdom.
I believe with all my heart that trials are such a vital part of this test on earth. I heard once that we could not progress to the highest kingdom without the trials in this life and they are so imperative to our progression that if we are just comfortable in life and not experiencing trials, we better start praying for them. I laughed at that then as I still do, because I would not ever want those trials again, BUT, I would NEVER trade the growth that came from them for all the money in the world.
I don't believe God gives us trials to punish us, I believe he does it because he loves us and knows it is the only way we can be with him again.
I like to think of it this way. We love our children, and we know that hard work is good for them. They think their world has ended when we send them to clean out the car or pick up the yard or whatever job they may have at that time. They protest and beg and plead, but we do not relent. As their parent it is our job to teach them responsibility so they can grow to be honorable and responsible adults. We look around and see the product of those kids who where not taught those things. If they are not taught young, before they are thrown out into the world, they will never be fit to rule in their own families. Does that make sense.
Now back to my kids, there are times when I ask a child to do something and I KNOW he/she does not want to do it, but they do it with a sing song voice and they go the extra mile and they endure the task well. They get done and are on their merry way. The task was more bearable for them that way than when they fall down on the ground and throw a tantrum, cry and scream for half the day on their bedroom floor, (you get the picture).
I know that part of bearing trials is enduring them well. Trying to spread sunshine all along the way. I say that all the while saying "I am a hypocrite" because I rarely bore my trials well, but I am glad to say that so far I have survived the toughest of them. I know you will too. You can decide now to make the best of this. Let this experience bring you closer to Christ instead of away from Him. The trials are going to come in our lives whether we are good or bad. If we are obedient, then we have God's promise to help us through them so we can endure them well. If we are not, then when (not if) things turn upside down, we are on our own.
I sure do love you Kelly. I pray for you to feel relief from this physical pain and sickness. Please let me know if I can help you with anything. I know I am kind of far away from you, but I would do anything for you!
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