Monday, July 1, 2013

Priority or an option?

Don't put someone as a priority in your life when you are only an option in theirs!

Broken Hearts

   About 4 years ago, I had emergency heart surgery and something changed! Yes, I got a repaired heart and all, but I started having random questions pop into my head about religion/God. Now is this due to while I was under anesthesia the people in the operating room were talking of certain subjects? Was it from others in my room after surgery talking about certain subjects? I don't know, but I knew I needed to just simply put it aside, or as some say. . .'put it on that shelf within my head'. 
   The years have progressed and the questions have come in handfuls. Of course as a believer you simply put those questions aside, try building your faith and testimony and read the scriptures, while you are NOT to ask questions!!  Ok well, I didn't! Not even to my hubby, until one day this last summer.  I received a package from a friend who had sent me a new Bible and told me to start reading it like a child. Not to read INTO it, but read it as a child would read a book, starting in the New Testament and this will answer some of the questions I have.  I thought, hmm well that is weird direction, but ok. So I did. . . .this is my story!
   July 2011, I started reading the Bible twice a day, man was it BOOORIIIING!! But, I kept going as this friend promised I would get my answers. By the end of the month, I had finished the New Testament and things inside of me started changing.  I prayed to find answers to my questions and that God would show me the truth. The truth to who God is and to what the plan in my life really was suppose to be.
   At this same time I was also fighting with the hubby and we were done with marriage! After 15 years of lies, cheating and disrespect we were throwing in the towel. Ha!! That was NOT right!! There was NOT one bone in my body that felt good about that and I started praying to God to fix ME. What am I doing wrong? Show me myself and how WE can fix this, as deep down it is truly not what either one of us wanted. Let me tell you, God started showing and moving within us fast.  Within about 6 weeks we knew something was different!!
   Along with the reading of the Bible and multiplying of prayers I had also bought a "Marriage Fitness" program off the net that promised to fix us or our money back!! Well no loss here right?? God had a plan, little did I know, we were headed in the right direction and maybe a direction I wasn't prepared for, but God new, for a fact, after 34 years of molding me into what He wanted me to go through and learn from I was ready for the path He lead me to.
   We focused on this program about LOVE and reading the Bible together and talking about the questions we had. I was shocked! Not only was I having questions and keeping them to myself about the church, but so was T.  He couldn't believe that we were not just asking each other these doubts and questions. And the flood gates opened. . . .
   We took up the offer from an aunt to come visit her church, a non-denominational church and based on the Bible. If this isn't THEE biggest 'anti' Mormon thing to do I don't know what is. Not only were we starting to read the "it is correct ONLY if it is translated correctly) book ever written (the Bible), but now we were going to attend somewhere that all they did was speak, sing and teach about Jesus, NOT man!! I mean I sat in the Mormon church Sunday classes and how many times did they teach a lesson ALL about Christ? Hmm? Good question.
   August 2011, I went to my aunts Bible class, on a Wednesday, just to teach them all about coupons. No talk about religion at all, other than a prayer to end.  These women were so AMAZING!!  They were kind, respectful and soo loving! Not to say any other group of women aren't, but man this was different.  Before I left they offered an invitation to come back, not only to teach them more about the coupons, but to join them for a Bible study. I said I would think about it. Two weeks later I gave into the invite and came back. I mean it is about God, there couldn't possibly be anything to harm me right?!?! 
   At the class I just simply observed as they talked. I don't remember the discussion, but one of the ladies, Karen, spoke up to add to the talk saying that LDS think that ONLY God can talk to the prophets of the church NOT to any of us individuals. I thought, well that is not true, why would she say that? So I spoke up and said well I am LDS and that is not what I think!!  At first I may have been offended, and thought who the heck is she to judge??  But at the same time I thought well maybe she just doesn't know anything about the LDS. Lo and behold she is now one of my greatest sisters in Christ. . .and YES she does KNOW ALL about the LDS teachings and how it all goes down in the church.  She WAS a Mormon also!!  Thank you Karen, but mostly thank you God for putting Karen into my life to answer WHY??!!!
   At the end of August, after talking and asking many questions to others that are WILLING to answer and not just shun your question, I prayed to God the sinners prayer (Romans 10:9-13), as simple as "Lord Jesus, I repent of my sins. Come into my heart I make you my Lord and Savior. Amen."  After this I also said many other prayers to Him asking for forgiveness of my sins, judgements against others, hate, jealousy, and any other things I am carrying a burden for.  My life started changing in soo many ways, but at the same time some very judgemental friends and family shunned me, and I could do nothing but Praise God and cry at the same time.
   The first friend, whom I thought was my best friend, kicked me to the curb QUICKLY!!  She did NOT like my questions, comments or anything else nor would she allow me to talk to her about my concerns. Not only did she immediately shun me she is really good friends with my sister who also has limited her chats with me since my questioning came about. Excuses of being busy and such will come about, but one KNOWS you are being shunned when you talk to these people if not everyday then a few times a week to now twice a year if that. Disheartening to say the least, but Jesus tells us that when you follow Him wholeheartedly EVERYONE will turn against you as if you are the enemy, just as they did to Jesus.
   As the fall ended and winter came I could do nothing but read the BoM, Bible, ALL other books that were for and against these two books to finally try and get some answers to my confusing questions. We don't just buy a house or car without searching the history of it all or by going off what are families have taught us about it. So I searched and questioned and questioned and searched night and day. I was shunned and told I am just asking things to cause a fight or conflict in my relationships. If I truly wanted to know I would ask with prayer and a sincere heart, lol the heart is the most deceitful WHY would I trust my heart??  God gave me a head of sound mind to question question and question some more, why would I NOT ask those that I trusted to help me with my questions? Instead those closest to me wanted to hear NOTHING about my religious questions and that I should just trust the prophet as we don't know everything, telling me some things are just a mystery. WOW! God tells us NOTHING is a mystery! He tells us Christ IS the mystery within us!
  Come early spring I was on fire for Jesus and that new creation He created me to be could NOT be contained. I wanted to share Jesus with everyone I came across! When I put my trust in God and not man, He completely changed my life!! I no longer take anti depressants everyday! I am drug free from any kind of prescriptions for migraines that I have always dealt with! I no longer turn to alcohol to wash away my past, instead I face it and forgive those that have hurt me physically, mentally, verbally. I give it all to Christ at the cross who took on the world and hurt so I can live in Him. When Satan tries to bring up the past I remind him of his future and again I am set free in Christ!
  I am going to leave it here for now but will come back to continue my journey from hell to Christ and how worth it it has been to travel this path, even if I have done it alone.


Who do YOU say I am??

No other name can make the enemy and those that follow him shutter. 
Jesus asks many times "Who am I to you??"  How would you answer that?
Is He just the son of God who came and suffered in the garden for your sins and died on the cross? Or is He God Omnipotent, Omnipresent, Omniscient that came and gave himself, dying on the cross to GIVE you life?
Who am I? Who do you say I am?

Monday, October 31, 2011

Today. . . .

I thought of you as I always do. I am soo thankful for those that continue to love me, regardless of my choices! I love you today tomorrow and eternity!! YOU will always be in my thoughts and MY best friend! Even when you are silent.

Sunday, October 3, 2010


Today solidifies the loss I have thought would never come, but you have just given me that complete affirmation! Not sure where you went, but I know about when. You reach out often, but is it for help? NO! You have gone from thinking of others to thinking about yourself and your next fix. You wanted the things you have been given, all your life and all you do is destroy it every day inch by inch. How can you live the way you are living? You know you are not happy, yet you continue to strive for what you think is more, yet it is soo much less then I would ever think of you wanting. All that matters to you is who you can use or convince to help with your fix. What happen to YOU? You try to blame it on the worldly things and your past, but to me a person who has all you have would strive to be better and want better than the life you have lived.
I cannot believe the things we have been through together and you write me off as if I was the gum on your shoe. I miss our times together. I miss YOU, the OLD you not the one I have become to know in the past 10 years. I am at a loss with the person you have chose to become. You complain about no one there for you, yet the one person who is there for you through the good and bad you have discarded. I have tried for the last time to get through to you. I am done, there will be no more trying, no more texting, emails, calls....NOTHING!
You have hurt me for the LAST time!! When you need something don't call me, as I will not answer. I will not write. I will no longer respond to you as I am done. All I can do is cry and hurt for you and will not forget, but as you have put me behind you for the last time, I can't hold on to the want of it all anymore. I am so hurt I am really at a loss for the words I need to express in order to get this off my chest. Please take care of yourself and know I love you, but obviously YOU have chosen to place me as an expendable in your life. TTFG *sigh*

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

I don't feel an ounce better!! You nor anyone else will ever know how much this evil drug has a hold on ones complete being...I am dizzy all day as if I am a wanna be drunk that NEVER gets to pass out, but instead endures each and every bit of this med to the core and every inch of my body. I dread going to sleep as the nightmares will only kick in and take over everything causing my heart to hurt, body to jolt and within that measly little 45 minutes I have been asleep then jolts me back to reality yet the nightmare is so real it leaves me checking the space in my room for the intruder. This medicine makes you feel all the control it has over you as I have now been off it for one week and only taking an Organic detox. I feel pain in every inch, pore, etc. of my body to the end of every limb, aching all night long as if it is a cruel evil bug stomping throughout my insides with a vengeance. I lay awake with only 45 minutes of sleep all night tossing and turning, crying at the pain...if only I could give into drugs or death this would be my only salvation!! Now how is this to turn out positive for me, I wonder. How am I to hold to my faith and trust that He is listening to my prayers, asking and pleading for relief of any sort to just hold me for once and stop the pain!?! My body not only hurts inch by inch, but also itches randomly. Can you itch it for any relief, NO!! It is like the itch is there yet it is not when you try to console that issue. Do I make sense when I write something down? Probably not but inside my head nothing makes sense. You are given only as much as you can handle? Well I can't handle anymore, it is not easy being in pain everyday of my life, nor is it easy trying to find relief in a world that don't understand the emotions that are involved in this trial I am in. I am not asking for someone to be there for me, of course not it is not their problem, but I will be a helluva lot more sympathetic to ones need that is in pain, emotionally or physically. I will show you I care from the bottom of my heart as I know how alone you will feel, as if no one is there for you nor do they care for you. It's not easy when you love someone sooo much, yet with the emotions they are the one you are hating the most. Why if God is listening to each and every prayer, begging to have the devil cast out of my thoughts and trying to destroy me as a person, why would He not help me or give me a salt grain of faith to go off of that he is there for me and listening? I am not perfect in my religion, or many other things that are expected of me, but if I was would you still want me? Probably not! Yet I am not striving to make it through anything for you, I am trying to strive for myself. I get discouraged by many comments that make me feel like I don't do anything right, or I am negative, but then I have to laugh when they express of having a trial or bad day that they don't give out their positive energy as I am not doing. Grr, I am soo frustrated that I can't spit out the words I want to say and make sense. I want to tell you everything yet I am wordless, but the words I do give don't even make sense. I'm done writing for today! I'm going to buy me a chair, I feel today this will make me happy! - Kelly 8)

Monday, July 19, 2010

Detoxing has begun

All I can do is try to let you in and understand how I feel. Do I expect you to, of course not. Do I want your sympathy, No! Do I need you to criticize me with your spiteful words when you feel you are better than me, Hell NO! You have no idea what I am going through. You live your life in a perfect world as if nothing else matters and I sure in the hell don't matter to you. You act and say that I do, but DO I? Don't even try to answer that, I don't even care. I sit here and try to tell you how I feel and you just say to be positive and it's not all that bad. I am the one making it to be the way things are. Yet do you stop for one minute and research the drug that I am taking? Do you stop for one minute and research or feel that pain I am really in? Or do you have it in your mind that I just make that up also? You think you know me yet you know nothing about me!! You don't know how many days and hours I sit and cry in pain. How many times I just wish life ended due to my life spinning out of control due to 24 hours of Vertigo, oh you don't even know what Vertigo feels like? Of course you don't in your perfect world why would you. You are quick to judge for all the things someone else has or hasn't done but you can't stop and think really what I am going through. The pills that once worked for that pain that gave me a little hope that there was light at the end of the tunnel have now changed a 360 degree turn around and I just can't stop like that. These are so addictive and have so many side effects to them that I am literally sick emotionally, physically and in every way I can explain to you. I have literally locked myself in my room everyday for 2 weeks. I don't answer the phones, the door, nothing. I have my kids lie to anyone that asks for me that I am sick (which is that really a lie) or that I am sleeping so I won't ever have to leave my room. I get dressed and sit back on the comfort of my bed. I know that if I am in the comfort of my blanket and pillow I can cuddle and cry at anytime and no one knows this. Did you know this? Of course not! Did you know that I do not sleep, and if I do it is when I should be at work, so this means I am either on medical leave or about to lose my job? Oh yes, stop whining as you say and be positive, stop bringing others down.
My head is spinning, I feel like I am going crazy, do you know what this really feels like? Do you think half the time I even make sense? No! You think I should explain things to you and I shouldn't have to do anything for you. I can't be positive like you want me to be, I hurt and have no support!!! I have to detox from this addictive medicine all alone, by myself. My husband has nothing to say when I need it the most, but what is it he is suppose to say? I have no friends, I don't want to go to church, why so I have to put on my fake face and act like nothing is wrong, and when I try to say something I am given the pity party attitude, like I am just another one of those people on the block that have issues, unlike YOU but also no one will understand like you don't either. I can't even write it to tell you how I feel or hurt or how I feel crazy or spin inside to make you understand what it is like. My sisters are too busy for me. They don't even talk to me at all. I have no support. I yell at my kids because I am annoyed at everything. I cry just because I am annoyed or because I yelled at them for being loud. I hate eating because it all makes me sick, but then why eat, it will make me fat and then I won't be tiny like the other girls around me or even like my sisters. But now you say what does this have to do with the issue... A LOT!! It's called, emotional issues that are found deep within and you think that are buried until your head is spinning and you are so alone that all you think of is HOW alone you really are. How you have no support, no friends, no sisters, you are so unattractive that your own husband wants nothing to do with you and when he does it is only because you have mentioned it to him. Your kids want to be somewhere else but with you at home. I have so much anxiety that it adds to my sickness. I am tired in the morning when I should be working. I can't even wake up within myself until about 4pm and then I am awake until about 2am. What the hell is wrong with me. I am so scared for the next few days/weeks while I have to detox from this medicine. I am not ok with all this and I do not care that all I am is to be positive. I understand the better you think and more positive vibes you bring on the more positive things are what are brought upon you, BUT I am pretty sure God himself knows what I am enduring right now and knows that this is not a positive thing I am enduring and he knows I am doing my best to get through this trial. Others may not think so, but YOU are not in my shoes and enduring MY trial. You are the one to judge my words, thoughts or what it is the way I think of this whole process. I am doing my best and you will never know how many times I have prayed in a day asking for guidance and help along with peace and the spirit to be with me to get through this safely. I am me and if you don't like the way I am or how things are said you can just keep your simple words to yourself. Not only are you blunt, but you are very spiteful and hurtful in all you say, whether you are pointing them towards one or many. Hearts are broken and I know you will go on still not caring and they will still hurt as if nothing matters. Tomorrow will come and the physical and emotional pain will surface ten fold and you will go on, it will forever remain as if I thought you cared and you really didn't. But no thanks! I will can only move forward and start a new day. - Kelly