Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Tests and more tests

So after the whole 7 week ordeal of extreme pain and medications and misery and hating everything around me I have been to see another Dr. only to be told to see another Dr. So I head out to the specialist who is going to test for the crazy Vertigo I deal with and see what we can do to try and get rid of it or minimize it if possible. I show up at the Hearing and Balancing office for my visit. As I am waiting in the lobby I look around and think "hmm, I look a bit to young to already be in this office" *sigh*
Then it's my turn. I walk back to an office and have a sit, answer a few questions before we get started on the testing and then put some goggles on. Now these are special goggles that only the nurse can see everything about my eyes and the inside of them on a screen while I am watching a small red dot bounce around the black wall. This test goes on for about 5 minutes and then we are done. (Now I was having a good day before I came here, meaning no excruciating migraine or sickness to endure today.)
Then we did a few other tests and then on to the ear tests. We start with cool air blowing deep inside my ear (as my head is spinning around a thousand times like when we were kids playing and twisting on a swing only to untwist to not be as dizzy in the end, if you remember those days.) and then I have to try and focus as she keeps my attention so I don't hurl from being so sick and dizzy. At this point I am doomed!! I am so sick and ready to vomit that I can't even hold still on the testing table. She asks me if I'm alright, "oh of course I am, go ahead" (I'm a bad liar). Then on to the warm air blowing deep inside my ears. By this time I am really really sick and want to be done and just walk out the door, but I'm way to shy to do that so I stay for more torture tests.
Next test I am in for the monitors placed on certain neck muscles to give a reading as I lift only my head off the table like 50 times, (I got a great abs workout that day!) We get all done doing these tests and I am just ready to run and find the closest toilet to be my new friend. Ok so I really did focus and she calmed me down so she could talk to me about the testing.
Now is where I am ready to be sick . . . the results. She tells me I have Vertical Nystagmus. In normal eyes they look straight with no movement, in mine they beat upwards, which is causing my vertigo, or adding to it she says. Then also she explains that the nerve that connects your ears, eyes and brain and has a certain task to do with messaging is damaged and my brain is sending off bad signals. Nothing is wrong with my hearing (thank goodness, of course unless you're talking to me LOL), but the nerve damage is affecting the way my brain is telling my body to accept medicine for pain.
First of all the damage was done by one of three things or multiple things: childhood head trauma (abuse or car accident when I was a teen), medications that have been taken within the course of my painful life, or migraines. Kinda odd to think that migraines would cause this damage, but it could be possible.
Now when she explained the nerve damage she said it was caused by one of these things and the bad signals being sent out are not allowing my body to accept medication as a way to fight pain. So say Travis has a migraine and he takes my pills I have been given, he will be relieved of the pain and also probably fall asleep until tomorrow. Yet when I take the same pill it may lessen the pain I am enduring by a few notches but will not relieve me of the burdensome pain as it does him and surely has not allowed me to go to sleep at all!!
With this nerve damage it is like a virus she says and is slowly attacking my central nervous system creating other parts of my body to randomly hurt. It will, in the future, slowly erase my memory, causing me to have early Alzheimer's at a young age.
As we are talking and discussing options of what I am to do for all this, she then tells me I need to see other specialists to take a bigger look into the picture and make sure nothing else is wrong. I have already had an MRI and Dr. said it was clean (makes me wonder), but now I am scheduled for a Physical Therapist for my eye issue and what to do from here and then onto a neurologist for the "crazy" head issues.
From here all it is is a big wait for another test and another Dr., but the biggest wait for me is when will the pain ever stop?? I know I hear all the time "change your diet", "exercise", etc. Well when you are in as much pain as I am everyday I barely even eat and when I do I'm lucky for whatever I can get, but I have cut out soda, sugar and salt (for those of you wanting to suggest that option). As for exercise, ya that's funny that you even mention that to me when I can barely get out of bed some days because I am so sick and nauseous. Or why even exercise when that adds to my migraines, um no thanks! I do try to walk but I can only do that for a little bit as I start getting light headed as if I just got done running a 6 mile race.
Some days I wonder if God really hates me, and I know I should have more faith and believe this is my path in life but why do I have to go from childhood abuse to life long pain?? This is NOT making me stronger it is actually weakening me more than any trial I have ever endured. But until someone walks in my path and feels my pain I feel everyday, not only the headaches but the random body pain, I really have a hard time telling you how I feel when I hurt. If you look at me I look normal but if you were to be inside my body and head you would see and feel a completely different Kelly that has to struggle to make it a good day. These last 2 months have been the worst in my whole life!! So if you wonder where I am or call my house to talk . . . I am home but not answering I am just trying to take care of myself along with the family that is my responsibility also.
Pain doesn't stop when you have a baby crying or a family that is hungry! I do thank God every day for the wonderful husband I have been blessed with! If it wasn't for him by my side I don't think I would be here writing this. Thank you Travis! You are God's greatest gift to me and my kids!!

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

"When is enough, enough?"

It starts with a simple headache while I am sleeping, progressing more intensely until I wake up. Now it is once again an extreme migraine with nausea, blurred vision, even blacking out. I take a pill for the nausea and quickly grab other pills with a can of Coke (only because this is what the emergency room will do and charge me $250.00) and try to gain control of my head pain. The Vertigo kicks in (again) and all I do is start spinning as if someone had spun me around in circles like when we were kids. I'm starting to think the dizziness you get from drinking when you are buzzed feels so much better than this!
Those who have pain can relate in why you start to become desperate in any way to find relief. Some drink the pain away, some get hooked on drugs and make the pain go away, some just try and live with it, while others don't live with it at all and just give up. It's not just a depressive thought in my head it's a "when does it ever end" thought. If you don't live with chronic pain and migraines everyday like some of us do it is very hard to understand. All you can think of is to tell that person "just be positive, it'll pass", "oh, I'm sorry", "hope you feel better", or better yet simply telling that person (in your own suttle words) "it's just in your head you're trying to get attention."
I could only wish that all could understand what I feel like in this state. It doesn't go away, it's real and consumes your EVERYTHING as a person!! The pain is so real it causes a lot more problems than you could ever imagine. I not only feel the sharp pain, dull pain, throbbing pain, feelings of my head in a vice, etc., but you also get VERY depressed (wanting to never leave my bed). I'm irritable at anyone and everyone around, nauseas and vomiting, uncontrollable crying when I least expect to have tears falling. Instead of praying for help and anything good, I start praying just to never wake up tomorrow.
Now you might think "well that sure is selfish of you to even think of that" but have you ever hurt so bad? Have you ever wondered why this is happening to you? Have you ever wondered if it ever ends? Have you ever stopped to wonder what that person is really going through, or how they feel?
It's extremely hard to be a happy, positive, thankful person and the mom or wife I should be when I hurt so bad that my whole world inside my thoughts are nothing but black! When I hurt so bad I don't stop to think of the kids and how I affect them, until I'm lying in bed crying because my pain is hurting them too from yelling and saying mean things to them. I don't stop to think they are just kids and they don't understand. My thoughts are all on the pain I am trying to endure.
Some days I think I'll just put on a smile and no one will know I am hurting or not allow someone to notice my pain, while inside, my head is throbbing so bad I can barely even concentrate or think clearly. The world around me still goes on, not that I am wanting it to stop for me, but instead wondering "WHY, why am I in constant pain, miserable and wanting to die while they have nothing to deal with?" Now these are my feelings and I know that everyone has something they deal with, but when you hurt so bad you don't stop to think about that. Nothing can even lighten the pain I feel everyday.
I spend my families food money just to pay another co-payment to see another Dr. and all they do is give another drug with yet another side effect to deal with. I can only wish that I was that other person who is happy and walks around as if they have nothing to deal with. I hate that others who don't know what chronic pain and migraines feel like can just say all the positive things as if it'll make it all better.
Why couldn't I be that person to have positive feelings and outlook on things? Why can't I be that person with the faith to get me through this? Instead here I sit crying, wondering why God would just allow all this pain and no answers to why I hurt so it can be dealt with if not fixed. This isn't a free agency issue, so why can't he take control? Is it because I don't pray and read scriptures with my family everyday? Is it because I don't go to church all the time like I should? Is it because I have made mistakes and this is punishment for not choosing the right? Is it because I'm not that sweet, perfect, loving mom/wife and I'm always angry and yelling? Does he even care and listen when I'm crying and begging day in and day out for some relief? I don't think he does! I feel like I am lost and I will never find my way back out of this black painful hole I have fell into. I will live here in misery forever!
How can I even think such things? What happen to the days like others when I was happy and pain free? Is that the option I'll never have again? Just like all the Utah signs say for depression (this can also apply to someone in so much pain with depression) "You wouldn't tell someone who has cancer to snap out of it would you?" or "You wouldn't tell someone with diabetes to get over it would you?" Then why is it so many others around me can quickly react or shake their heads or give snide remarks? Why is it when I'm not able to go to work than I'm accused of faking and just wanting an extra day off? Do you ever stop and think that if it was you in this much pain how you would react to the way others treated you? Maybe for once we should all stop and think of others before judging or making them feel worse than they do. If only I could explain exactly what and how I feel inside and how bad it hurts to never find relief or support.
As the day ends I've now consumed over 8 pills trying to find relief only to be in a more confused state of mind and still in pain. It's now 10pm, I lay on my pillow (mind you it is a $40 pillow especially made for comfort) and it feels like a brick. I try to move around and adjust, instead only finding a slightly soft spot to lay down. I listen as my family peacefully sleeps, some snoring, some talking and walking in their sleep. It is now midnight and I am still hurting only to start crying and praying again for it to stop even for a minute so I can sleep before I get up for work at 3:30am. I finally fall asleep at about 2:10am and the next thing I know it is time for work and I am now laying on the bathroom floor from passing out. My head hurts so bad!! It's just another day in the life of pain and no solution to this mess I live in. Where's the pills . . . . one for nausea, 2 for head pain, and 1 for Vertigo just to start the day! When is enough, ENOUGH??