Monday, July 1, 2013

Broken Hearts

   About 4 years ago, I had emergency heart surgery and something changed! Yes, I got a repaired heart and all, but I started having random questions pop into my head about religion/God. Now is this due to while I was under anesthesia the people in the operating room were talking of certain subjects? Was it from others in my room after surgery talking about certain subjects? I don't know, but I knew I needed to just simply put it aside, or as some say. . .'put it on that shelf within my head'. 
   The years have progressed and the questions have come in handfuls. Of course as a believer you simply put those questions aside, try building your faith and testimony and read the scriptures, while you are NOT to ask questions!!  Ok well, I didn't! Not even to my hubby, until one day this last summer.  I received a package from a friend who had sent me a new Bible and told me to start reading it like a child. Not to read INTO it, but read it as a child would read a book, starting in the New Testament and this will answer some of the questions I have.  I thought, hmm well that is weird direction, but ok. So I did. . . .this is my story!
   July 2011, I started reading the Bible twice a day, man was it BOOORIIIING!! But, I kept going as this friend promised I would get my answers. By the end of the month, I had finished the New Testament and things inside of me started changing.  I prayed to find answers to my questions and that God would show me the truth. The truth to who God is and to what the plan in my life really was suppose to be.
   At this same time I was also fighting with the hubby and we were done with marriage! After 15 years of lies, cheating and disrespect we were throwing in the towel. Ha!! That was NOT right!! There was NOT one bone in my body that felt good about that and I started praying to God to fix ME. What am I doing wrong? Show me myself and how WE can fix this, as deep down it is truly not what either one of us wanted. Let me tell you, God started showing and moving within us fast.  Within about 6 weeks we knew something was different!!
   Along with the reading of the Bible and multiplying of prayers I had also bought a "Marriage Fitness" program off the net that promised to fix us or our money back!! Well no loss here right?? God had a plan, little did I know, we were headed in the right direction and maybe a direction I wasn't prepared for, but God new, for a fact, after 34 years of molding me into what He wanted me to go through and learn from I was ready for the path He lead me to.
   We focused on this program about LOVE and reading the Bible together and talking about the questions we had. I was shocked! Not only was I having questions and keeping them to myself about the church, but so was T.  He couldn't believe that we were not just asking each other these doubts and questions. And the flood gates opened. . . .
   We took up the offer from an aunt to come visit her church, a non-denominational church and based on the Bible. If this isn't THEE biggest 'anti' Mormon thing to do I don't know what is. Not only were we starting to read the "it is correct ONLY if it is translated correctly) book ever written (the Bible), but now we were going to attend somewhere that all they did was speak, sing and teach about Jesus, NOT man!! I mean I sat in the Mormon church Sunday classes and how many times did they teach a lesson ALL about Christ? Hmm? Good question.
   August 2011, I went to my aunts Bible class, on a Wednesday, just to teach them all about coupons. No talk about religion at all, other than a prayer to end.  These women were so AMAZING!!  They were kind, respectful and soo loving! Not to say any other group of women aren't, but man this was different.  Before I left they offered an invitation to come back, not only to teach them more about the coupons, but to join them for a Bible study. I said I would think about it. Two weeks later I gave into the invite and came back. I mean it is about God, there couldn't possibly be anything to harm me right?!?! 
   At the class I just simply observed as they talked. I don't remember the discussion, but one of the ladies, Karen, spoke up to add to the talk saying that LDS think that ONLY God can talk to the prophets of the church NOT to any of us individuals. I thought, well that is not true, why would she say that? So I spoke up and said well I am LDS and that is not what I think!!  At first I may have been offended, and thought who the heck is she to judge??  But at the same time I thought well maybe she just doesn't know anything about the LDS. Lo and behold she is now one of my greatest sisters in Christ. . .and YES she does KNOW ALL about the LDS teachings and how it all goes down in the church.  She WAS a Mormon also!!  Thank you Karen, but mostly thank you God for putting Karen into my life to answer WHY??!!!
   At the end of August, after talking and asking many questions to others that are WILLING to answer and not just shun your question, I prayed to God the sinners prayer (Romans 10:9-13), as simple as "Lord Jesus, I repent of my sins. Come into my heart I make you my Lord and Savior. Amen."  After this I also said many other prayers to Him asking for forgiveness of my sins, judgements against others, hate, jealousy, and any other things I am carrying a burden for.  My life started changing in soo many ways, but at the same time some very judgemental friends and family shunned me, and I could do nothing but Praise God and cry at the same time.
   The first friend, whom I thought was my best friend, kicked me to the curb QUICKLY!!  She did NOT like my questions, comments or anything else nor would she allow me to talk to her about my concerns. Not only did she immediately shun me she is really good friends with my sister who also has limited her chats with me since my questioning came about. Excuses of being busy and such will come about, but one KNOWS you are being shunned when you talk to these people if not everyday then a few times a week to now twice a year if that. Disheartening to say the least, but Jesus tells us that when you follow Him wholeheartedly EVERYONE will turn against you as if you are the enemy, just as they did to Jesus.
   As the fall ended and winter came I could do nothing but read the BoM, Bible, ALL other books that were for and against these two books to finally try and get some answers to my confusing questions. We don't just buy a house or car without searching the history of it all or by going off what are families have taught us about it. So I searched and questioned and questioned and searched night and day. I was shunned and told I am just asking things to cause a fight or conflict in my relationships. If I truly wanted to know I would ask with prayer and a sincere heart, lol the heart is the most deceitful WHY would I trust my heart??  God gave me a head of sound mind to question question and question some more, why would I NOT ask those that I trusted to help me with my questions? Instead those closest to me wanted to hear NOTHING about my religious questions and that I should just trust the prophet as we don't know everything, telling me some things are just a mystery. WOW! God tells us NOTHING is a mystery! He tells us Christ IS the mystery within us!
  Come early spring I was on fire for Jesus and that new creation He created me to be could NOT be contained. I wanted to share Jesus with everyone I came across! When I put my trust in God and not man, He completely changed my life!! I no longer take anti depressants everyday! I am drug free from any kind of prescriptions for migraines that I have always dealt with! I no longer turn to alcohol to wash away my past, instead I face it and forgive those that have hurt me physically, mentally, verbally. I give it all to Christ at the cross who took on the world and hurt so I can live in Him. When Satan tries to bring up the past I remind him of his future and again I am set free in Christ!
 
  I am going to leave it here for now but will come back to continue my journey from hell to Christ and how worth it it has been to travel this path, even if I have done it alone.
 

  
  
  

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Alexis said...
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