Wednesday, July 28, 2010

I don't feel an ounce better!! You nor anyone else will ever know how much this evil drug has a hold on ones complete being...I am dizzy all day as if I am a wanna be drunk that NEVER gets to pass out, but instead endures each and every bit of this med to the core and every inch of my body. I dread going to sleep as the nightmares will only kick in and take over everything causing my heart to hurt, body to jolt and within that measly little 45 minutes I have been asleep then jolts me back to reality yet the nightmare is so real it leaves me checking the space in my room for the intruder. This medicine makes you feel all the control it has over you as I have now been off it for one week and only taking an Organic detox. I feel pain in every inch, pore, etc. of my body to the end of every limb, aching all night long as if it is a cruel evil bug stomping throughout my insides with a vengeance. I lay awake with only 45 minutes of sleep all night tossing and turning, crying at the pain...if only I could give into drugs or death this would be my only salvation!! Now how is this to turn out positive for me, I wonder. How am I to hold to my faith and trust that He is listening to my prayers, asking and pleading for relief of any sort to just hold me for once and stop the pain!?! My body not only hurts inch by inch, but also itches randomly. Can you itch it for any relief, NO!! It is like the itch is there yet it is not when you try to console that issue. Do I make sense when I write something down? Probably not but inside my head nothing makes sense. You are given only as much as you can handle? Well I can't handle anymore, it is not easy being in pain everyday of my life, nor is it easy trying to find relief in a world that don't understand the emotions that are involved in this trial I am in. I am not asking for someone to be there for me, of course not it is not their problem, but I will be a helluva lot more sympathetic to ones need that is in pain, emotionally or physically. I will show you I care from the bottom of my heart as I know how alone you will feel, as if no one is there for you nor do they care for you. It's not easy when you love someone sooo much, yet with the emotions they are the one you are hating the most. Why if God is listening to each and every prayer, begging to have the devil cast out of my thoughts and trying to destroy me as a person, why would He not help me or give me a salt grain of faith to go off of that he is there for me and listening? I am not perfect in my religion, or many other things that are expected of me, but if I was would you still want me? Probably not! Yet I am not striving to make it through anything for you, I am trying to strive for myself. I get discouraged by many comments that make me feel like I don't do anything right, or I am negative, but then I have to laugh when they express of having a trial or bad day that they don't give out their positive energy as I am not doing. Grr, I am soo frustrated that I can't spit out the words I want to say and make sense. I want to tell you everything yet I am wordless, but the words I do give don't even make sense. I'm done writing for today! I'm going to buy me a chair, I feel today this will make me happy! - Kelly 8)

No comments: