Monday, July 19, 2010

Detoxing has begun

All I can do is try to let you in and understand how I feel. Do I expect you to, of course not. Do I want your sympathy, No! Do I need you to criticize me with your spiteful words when you feel you are better than me, Hell NO! You have no idea what I am going through. You live your life in a perfect world as if nothing else matters and I sure in the hell don't matter to you. You act and say that I do, but DO I? Don't even try to answer that, I don't even care. I sit here and try to tell you how I feel and you just say to be positive and it's not all that bad. I am the one making it to be the way things are. Yet do you stop for one minute and research the drug that I am taking? Do you stop for one minute and research or feel that pain I am really in? Or do you have it in your mind that I just make that up also? You think you know me yet you know nothing about me!! You don't know how many days and hours I sit and cry in pain. How many times I just wish life ended due to my life spinning out of control due to 24 hours of Vertigo, oh you don't even know what Vertigo feels like? Of course you don't in your perfect world why would you. You are quick to judge for all the things someone else has or hasn't done but you can't stop and think really what I am going through. The pills that once worked for that pain that gave me a little hope that there was light at the end of the tunnel have now changed a 360 degree turn around and I just can't stop like that. These are so addictive and have so many side effects to them that I am literally sick emotionally, physically and in every way I can explain to you. I have literally locked myself in my room everyday for 2 weeks. I don't answer the phones, the door, nothing. I have my kids lie to anyone that asks for me that I am sick (which is that really a lie) or that I am sleeping so I won't ever have to leave my room. I get dressed and sit back on the comfort of my bed. I know that if I am in the comfort of my blanket and pillow I can cuddle and cry at anytime and no one knows this. Did you know this? Of course not! Did you know that I do not sleep, and if I do it is when I should be at work, so this means I am either on medical leave or about to lose my job? Oh yes, stop whining as you say and be positive, stop bringing others down.
My head is spinning, I feel like I am going crazy, do you know what this really feels like? Do you think half the time I even make sense? No! You think I should explain things to you and I shouldn't have to do anything for you. I can't be positive like you want me to be, I hurt and have no support!!! I have to detox from this addictive medicine all alone, by myself. My husband has nothing to say when I need it the most, but what is it he is suppose to say? I have no friends, I don't want to go to church, why so I have to put on my fake face and act like nothing is wrong, and when I try to say something I am given the pity party attitude, like I am just another one of those people on the block that have issues, unlike YOU but also no one will understand like you don't either. I can't even write it to tell you how I feel or hurt or how I feel crazy or spin inside to make you understand what it is like. My sisters are too busy for me. They don't even talk to me at all. I have no support. I yell at my kids because I am annoyed at everything. I cry just because I am annoyed or because I yelled at them for being loud. I hate eating because it all makes me sick, but then why eat, it will make me fat and then I won't be tiny like the other girls around me or even like my sisters. But now you say what does this have to do with the issue... A LOT!! It's called, emotional issues that are found deep within and you think that are buried until your head is spinning and you are so alone that all you think of is HOW alone you really are. How you have no support, no friends, no sisters, you are so unattractive that your own husband wants nothing to do with you and when he does it is only because you have mentioned it to him. Your kids want to be somewhere else but with you at home. I have so much anxiety that it adds to my sickness. I am tired in the morning when I should be working. I can't even wake up within myself until about 4pm and then I am awake until about 2am. What the hell is wrong with me. I am so scared for the next few days/weeks while I have to detox from this medicine. I am not ok with all this and I do not care that all I am is to be positive. I understand the better you think and more positive vibes you bring on the more positive things are what are brought upon you, BUT I am pretty sure God himself knows what I am enduring right now and knows that this is not a positive thing I am enduring and he knows I am doing my best to get through this trial. Others may not think so, but YOU are not in my shoes and enduring MY trial. You are the one to judge my words, thoughts or what it is the way I think of this whole process. I am doing my best and you will never know how many times I have prayed in a day asking for guidance and help along with peace and the spirit to be with me to get through this safely. I am me and if you don't like the way I am or how things are said you can just keep your simple words to yourself. Not only are you blunt, but you are very spiteful and hurtful in all you say, whether you are pointing them towards one or many. Hearts are broken and I know you will go on still not caring and they will still hurt as if nothing matters. Tomorrow will come and the physical and emotional pain will surface ten fold and you will go on, it will forever remain as if I thought you cared and you really didn't. But no thanks! I will can only move forward and start a new day. - Kelly

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